(while eating breakfast)
RJ: I think it would be great to be able to bring dead things back to life…
RJ: … Because then you could do it to your shoes and they’d be alive again and when you wore them, they would do the walking for you! So easy!
(LR goes sprinting past with RJ chasing just behind her…)
LR: I’m Jesus, and I’m going to help everyone with my powers!
RJ: I’m the Romans, and I’m going to hunt you down and kill you! MWAAA HAA HAA!
LR: (distant) But then I’ll just come back from the dead and get you! HA HA!
June flew past in a hurry. The kids put together an impromptu magic show one morning, and LR played piano for a huge crowd. RJ flew and continued to be full of surprises. We spent an evening outside taking German lessons in the dark, and the kids channelled their inner zombies while discovering where all their good ideas come from.
RJ took flying lessons at one of his friend's birthday parties. That trampoline practice came in handy!
RJ: (frustrated) You just have to climb a tree, Dad! That’s all you have to do. Ugghghhhhh… (throws up his hands)
Don’t you know that zombies can’t jump? Don’t you know that zombies can’t climb? They don’t have brains — they can’t figure it out!
You’re just going to have your brains eaten and die.
Is that what you want??
Really??
(shakes head in disgust)
A couple of weeks ago LR headed off to camp and we decided to have a movie night with RJ so he could enjoy something special. Considering his imagination, we picked an older movie with a fun story (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen). Things went fairly well, although he was a bit bored during the beginning. Part way through, Mom and I briefly turned and discussed something. I’m not sure what it was, but it was probably something critically important, like what the dismembered body parts that the cat recently dragged in originally belonged to, or when I would finally get around to gluing down the plastic strips on the edges of the cabinet doors in the kitchen.
Conversation over, we looked up and saw RJ, eyes very wide, staring at the screen. On screen, in the typically surreal and maniacal styling of Terry Gilliam, a horrifying, winged variant of the Grim Reaper / Angel of Death loomed over someones body, coaxing a soul from their mouth as flames and screaming noises roared in the background.
I quickly realised I had forgotten a fairly important part of the movie… and that I’m no longer in the running for the Parent of the Year Award. Less than a moment later, the movie was paused, the screen was blanked and we were asking RJ if he wanted to watch something else.
RJ: (quietly) Yes, please.
The movie got switched off and replaced with the safe, inoffensive (yet mildly nauseating) world of “The Land Before Time“, but it appears the damage was already done. To be fair, the scene was only thirty seconds long, but it does set up the young girl in her role as heroine, so it’s fairly important. Considering the last time I watched the movie was twenty years ago, I’m not surprised I had forgotten it.
My memory — or more accurately, my lack of memory — is an impressive thing. Yesterday I went to the shops to buy a few things, most importantly some spinach. Now spinach was not only requested before I left, but was actually written down on a shopping list that I carried in my hand and it (spinach, not the shopping list) was a critical ingredient of the evening’s meal. Spinach was therefore very important and more than once while walking through the store I told myself, “Must not forget the spinach.” Much to my poor, suffering wife’s chagrin, the spinach is still sitting uneaten on a shelf in the vegetable department, quite safe from our hungry family.
The fallout from the movie incident didn’t occur until the next day and considering our previous experiences with RJ, it was pretty mild. It all started with RJ spending some time with his lego, working hard on a secret project.
RJ: I made something. Do you like it?
Dad: (channelling Keanu Reeves)… whoah….
RJ: It’s the Death Fairy.
Dad: It’s awesome. How long did that take?
RJ: Just this morning, but some bits are falling off, can you help me get them to stay?
Dad: Sure thing.
(Progress is made reinforcing some sections and changing others.)
RJ: Did you know the Death Fairy can smell better than a bear? That’s how he knows you are going to die.
Dad: Most people call him the Angel of Death. He’s not real, you know.
RJ: I know. It’s just a story.
Dad: Are you scared of it?
RJ: Not really. I already know lots about him.
Dad: Like what?
RJ: He can never be killed because he has no weakness. He also has many children that do what he says and help protect him… and a mum that stays at home and protects his house.
Dad: So he’s pretty dangerous then.
RJ: YES! Do you know the worst part?
Dad: What’s that?
RJ: He takes your soul and your ideas and puts them in a jar and he never lets them out. He loves to look at the little stars in it.
Dad: How does he do that?
RJ: He has the closest looker microscope, with the closest looking sensors. It’s the only way to see the stars.
Dad: So where did he come from anyway?
RJ: Well… Death Fairies used to be normal people and they lived on another planet. They were living in a house and it got buried under rocks and they died. After that, they felt a bit zombieish and woke up again… and then they were Death Fairies.
RJ's rendition of the Death Fairy, aka the Angel of Death.
(while getting ready for the day)
RJ: I know what to do if zombies come… I’ve got a poison mushroom and when they eat it, then they’ll really be dead.
Dad: But RJ, there’s a problem. Zombies don’t eat mushrooms, they eat…
RJ: BRAAAAAAIINNNZZZZ…
Dad: Yeah. So there’s the problem.
RJ: Not a problem… I’ll just put some brains inside the mushroom so that they want to eat it.
Dad: That’ll work, except for one thing. Where are you going to get the brains from?
RJ: Another zombie!
Dad: Isn’t that dangerous?
RJ: Sure, but I can use rope. If I throw it like a lasso, and tie him up, then I get its brains out safely!
Dad: Just watch out for that zombie blood.
RJ: Yes, I will have to be very careful. After that, I will put some traps by the front door… Actually, a lot of traps.
Dad: What kind of traps work on zombies?
RJ: I will have a glue shooter first, so they get stuck and can’t move very fast, then a boomerang shooting gun and a light saber shooting gun. That will get rid of all of them.
Dad: And after that? What will you do with the huge pile of dead zombies in the doorway. That’s going to be a BIG problem.
RJ: That’s easy! I’ll just put them in the garden afterwards. Dead zombies are very good for plants.
(It’s a cold, rainy day when RJ and his friend J. suddenly streak through the room, wearing only underpants, yelling and creating an incredible racket)
Multiple-parents: STOP! What is going on!?? Upstairs and get some clothes on guys!
… (moments later as Dad tries to get some clothes back onto RJ)
Dad: What game were you guys playing? That looked CRAZY!
RJ: Zombie warriors! It’s a new game we made up.
Dad: So how does it work?
RJ: First, you have to take off your pants and your shirt.
RJ: Then you need to be about four or five, and usually a boy and a girl.
RJ: And you’ll need a small pterodactyl, just like this one (holds up one of his favorite toys, Flappy the Pterodactyl).
RJ: It’s really a lot of fun.
(discussing nightmares over breakfast)
RJ: My dream was about robot emus. They were really scary because they could run faster than me.
Dad: Whoah. That sounds awful!
RJ: Yes. They had guns on them on too.
Dad: Did you have a way to stop them, or to get away?
RJ: I found out that when you put toothpaste in their eyes, it kills them.
Dad: So you killed them and escaped?
RJ: No! They came back to life! They turned into zombie robot emus!
(during breakfast)
RJ: Braaaaains…. Braaaains… I … need … brains…
Dad: Have you checked your sister? She might have some to spare.
RJ: (turning to LR) Braaaains?
LR: Sorry RJ. I need all my brains.
RJ: Braaaains…
Dad: How about the dog? Actually, forget that. She doesn’t have any brains.
LR: (protesting) Yes she does!!!
RJ: Braaaains…
Mum: Here you go RJ. Porridge for us, and a big fresh bowl of brains for you.
RJ: Thank you mummie zombie.
Mum: You’re welcome little zombie.
While Mum and the kids were off having a great time down south, I was left slaving away at the daily grind. One night, after picking up some dinner in one of my old haunts, I was surprised to find myself surrounded by hordes of undead. Looks like the neighbourhood has gone downhill since we used to live there.
The One that Isn't Ready Yet
The One that Needs a Hand
The One with a Musical Bent
The One that Needs a Hug
The One that I Saw
The One with a Famous Relative
