Crumpled Home

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: I’ve figured it out, Dad.

Dad: What’s that?

RJ: A rat trap! We just need an apple and a large glass pot. We put it outside and when we see the rat go in, we put some paper over the top and he wont be able to get out! They don’t have hands!

Dad: Great idea, but why on Earth do we want to catch a rat?

RJ: Because Mom hates them… and…

Dad: And what?

RJ: My friend L. at school wants one… He really liked my baby rat in a jar.*

Dad: He wants a rat in a jar, too?

RJ: Yeah, but it’s okay. I’ll sell it to him, and maybe I can sell them to other people, too!

** A few weeks ago, RJ found a dead baby rat outside — probably one of Violet Miaowmix’s recent victims. It now sits in a place of honour on the shelf in his room, preserved in a (VERY WELL SEALED) jar full of alcohol.

(while getting ready for the day)

RJ: I know what to do if zombies come… I’ve got a poison mushroom and when they eat it, then they’ll really be dead.

Dad: But RJ, there’s a problem. Zombies don’t eat mushrooms, they eat…

RJ: BRAAAAAAIINNNZZZZ…

Dad: Yeah. So there’s the problem.

RJ: Not a problem… I’ll just put some brains inside the mushroom so that they want to eat it.

Dad: That’ll work, except for one thing. Where are you going to get the brains from?

RJ: Another zombie!

Dad: Isn’t that dangerous?

RJ: Sure, but I can use rope. If I throw it like a lasso, and tie him up, then I get its brains out safely!

Dad: Just watch out for that zombie blood.

RJ: Yes, I will have to be very careful. After that, I will put some traps by the front door… Actually, a lot of traps.

Dad: What kind of traps work on zombies?

RJ: I will have a glue shooter first, so they get stuck and can’t move very fast, then a boomerang shooting gun and a light saber shooting gun. That will get rid of all of them.

Dad: And after that? What will you do with the huge pile of dead zombies in the doorway. That’s going to be a BIG problem.

RJ: That’s easy! I’ll just put them in the garden afterwards. Dead zombies are very good for plants.

(when about to get RJ out of the shower)

RJ: (carefully adjusting something on the shower drain) Careful daddy.

Dad: Why?

RJ: I’m making a trap.

Dad: A trap? For who?

RJ: The animals. It’s going to catch all the animals.

Dad: I didn’t realise there was such a wildlife problem in here.

RJ: Yes. This will stop the cats and the turtles.

Dad: That’s a relief. They’ve been keeping me up at night.

RJ: (looking annoyed) Don’t be silly. This is serious!