Crumpled Home

(about to get to work)

Dad: Oh no, RJ! You’re too young for this lego! It says on the box that you have to be nine!

RJ: I’m doing it anyway! Who cares about the law!

(just before bed)

RJ: But wait, Dad! I have to show you something!

Dad: Okay… What is it?

RJ: (holding up a toy seahorse and a fish) Look at this. I put a tiny hole in the seahorse right here. That’s because it’s where the parasite fish gets in. It swims in through the hole and then up through the neck and into the seahorse’s brain. Then it lives in there and makes the seahorse do whatever it likes. After a long time, the seahorse dies and the fish goes and finds another one… And that’s a real creature! They really do that!

RJ: … But usually it’s a fish, not a seahorse.

Dad: Desperate times, eh?

RJ: Yeah. He was really desperate.

(Everyone in the family has the flu and no one is sleeping well.)

RJ: (whispering) The clock… It says it’s after 4 now… It says, “Four, two, seven.” … Can we get up now?

Dad: RJ! How many times do I have to tell you? You have to wait until the clock says six… Maybe five, but four is WAY too early. Lay there and try to get back to sleep. Make up stories or something.

RJ: O-kay…

(A few minutes pass, then Dad feels something crawl across his back… RJ’s voice quietly drifts across the bed…)

Pirate Patchy: Hi there Mr Ghost Light. How are you today?

Mr Ghost Light: Not good Patchy. It’s a bad day today.

Pirate Patchy: Why’s that Ghosty?

Mr Ghost Light: Today is the day that all the lights die.

Pirate Patchy: Oh no! That’s terrible!

Mr Ghost Light: I know, but it just has to happen. Oh no! It’s going to happen now! Five, four, three, two, one… *click*

(RJ switches off his nightlight.)

Pirate Patchy: No! Mr Ghost Light! Noooo! Waaaaahhhhhh… (crying noises) This is… the worst day… ever…

Last Friday, RJ took a little time off with Grammy to make a new cuddly animal.

The result: Cuddle Cat (name pending review).

RJ decided Cuddle Cat needed a disguise… something that no one would think of.

Introducing Cuddle Cat, as his secret identity... Cuddle Cat.

I think he nailed it.

RJ worked away on this temple for quite a while. He left it on the kitchen counter to make sure everyone got to see it. The creatures and monsters on top are actually sacrifices made by the acolytes to their mighty overlord and leader.

RJ built a bizarre temple where the smaller toys go to visit their mighty leader and make offerings.

I hear a lot of parents wondering if watching television is warping their kids in terrible ways. Our kids don’t get to watch much television, and RJ is a perfect example of why my answer to them is no, probably not.

RJ: Hey Dad! Can you push this for me?

Dad: (Pushes part of springy elastic toy) Sure. What does it do?

RJ: When it pops back out, you get a wish. It can turn into anything you want! Watch…

RJ: I wish for… a laser blaster. (PoP!) See? Isn’t it great? Your turn!

Dad: Okay… I wish for a flying spike shooter!

RJ: (PoP!) There! Now maybe someday you’ll get a flying spike shooter.

Dad: That’s surprisingly vague… Can I try again? I want to try wishing for a huge box of money!

RJ: No, sorry. It only turns into weapons.

Dad: How about a gun that shoots bundles of money?

RJ: (sighs, disappointed) That’s not a very good weapon, Dad.

Dad: How about a gun that shoots bundles of money that are so big that they squash bad guys.

RJ: (brightening up) Yeah! That’ll work! (PoP!)

Hi, I’m a shouty man and I’m here to tell you about new Guinea Pig Transporter, the incredible pet mobility revolution!

Is your guinea pig depressed and alone?

Stuck at work and need someone to get your special friend to dance lessons?

Tired of being ambushed by pirates and bad guys when taking your guinea pig to school?

Then new Guinea Pig Transporter is for you!

Get your Guinea Pig Transporter, TODAY!

With spacious room for one guinea pig in its luxurious interior, your companion will travel in style. You can put your mind at ease knowing that your guinea pig is protected by the latest in disintegration blaster cannon technology.

(cut to scene where two yelling children are chasing a toy guinea pig across a schoolyard)
(voiceover) Those school bullies wont be a problem any more…
(bullies look to camera, appear surprised, and are vaporised by a blinding flash of high intensity ionizing radiation)

Call now and we’ll include these two highly trained clone troopers at no extra charge!

The days of awkwardly walking or carrying your guinea pig are over.

Get new Guinea Pig Transporter today, and join the pet mobility revolution!

Based on the design and a conversation with RJ about his latest lego construction. H/T to Horrible Histories and the original Shouty Man.

(while eating breakfast)

Dad: So guys, what should we get mum for Mother’s Day?

LR: I’ve already made something for her at school!

RJ: So did I!

Dad: Great! So what about something from all of us?

RJ: We should get her a toy because grown-ups like toys.

Dad: Umm… Sure. Got anything in mind?

RJ: How about… a toy goat!