Crumpled Home

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: What if everything was made of rice bubbles? It would be great, we could eat anything!

Dad: Yeah, but you can’t survive on just rice bubbles. There’s not enough protein or vitamins.

RJ: Hmmm….

RJ: What if everything in the world was made of rice bubbles…. and bacon?

Dad: Deliciously awesome. That would work much better, but wouldn’t everything fall apart?

RJ: Hmmm….

RJ: What if everything in the world was made of rice bubbles…. and bacon… and peanut butter sandwiches?

Dad: That probably fixes everything!

RJ: Except roads.

Dad: I don’t know… PB sandwiches get pretty hard when they’re stale…

RJ: Good thinking, Dad! Bacon wheels rolling on peanut butter sandwich roads! We’ll need those!

Dad: Why?

RJ: So the trucks can get through!

Dad: The trucks?

RJ: It is going to get so messy when it rains. The trucks are going to have to come through to clean up. Floods are going to be a big problem.

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: (in bizarre scientist voice) I have created an amazing invention.

Dad: What’s that?

RJ: CHEEECKEN LEEPS!

Dad: Chicken lips?

RJ: YEEEES. Cheecken leeeps!

Dad: Okay. So what are chicken lips good for?

RJ: Cheeckens around the world are happy…
Because now…
They can eat…
SANDWICHES!!!!

Dad: Fantastic!

RJ: Also! Now they say, “Banana chip!” all the time.
Baaaanaaaanaaaa CHIP!

(Over the weekend, I introduced the kids to some Monty Python sketches, which RJ really seemed to enjoy. This may not have been a good idea…)

Dad: What do you want in your sandwiches, guys?

RJ: Toasty cheese!

LR: Ham, Cheese and tomato, please!

Dad: Okay. Toasty cheese for RJ. And for LR, ham, cheese, tomato and spam… without the spam in it.

LR: No spam! Stop talking about spam!

RJ: Spam! I love spam! I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

LR: (yelling, upset) BUT I DON’T LIKE SPAM!

RJ: (yelling, ecstatic)… spam, spam, spam, spam. Spammity spam! Wonderful Spam!

Dad & RJ: (yelling together) SHUT UP YOU VIKINGS!

LR & Mum: Please stop now? Please?

(RJ walks in with a mesh bag over his head)

RJ: I’m a helping robot. I do everything you say!

Dad: I LOVE THIS ROBOT!!!

… (later)

Dad: So, Robot, what do you do for fun?

RJ: We play robot games. Robot hide and seek. Robot chasing. Switch on switch off.

Dad: And do you have to eat food?

RJ: Yes. I am hungry.

Dad: What do you eat?

RJ: (deviously) Only robot lollypops and robot chocolate.

Dad: Bad news, Robot. We don’t have those, anything else?

RJ: (sighing) Sometimes we can eat robot peanut butter sandwiches.