Crumpled Home

(While in the car, a strange moaning sound starts from the back seat…)

Dad: Ummm… RJ, Are you okay?

RJ: Woooooohhoooaaahhhhhhhhh….

Dad: That doesn’t sound good. RJ? Is there a problem?

RJ: Yeeeahhhhsssss… But RJ is gooooone. There is only RJ’s ghooooost…

Dad: Oh no. What happened?

RJ: RJ is deaaaaaaaad. DEAAAAAAD!

Dad: What!? He was fine a minute ago, what happened?

RJ: The lollypop… THE LOLLYPOP… THE LOLLYPOP WAS POISONED!

Dad: Disaster! Treachery! Who would be so evil to have done such a foul deed?

RJ: It was… Daaaaaarth Vaaaaaader!!! He poisoned the lollypop with deadly bacteria-aaaah.

Dad: That’s some fast acting bacteria. I hope none of the other kids got those lollypops.

RJ: They did! They’re all dead too! But it’s okay because now we’re all ghosts and we don’t have to do swimming lessons any mooooooooooore.

(Moments after jumping out of the shower, a bare RJ starts dancing around crazily, with a huge white towel hanging out of his mouth down to the floor. He is making bizarre wheezing noises as he leaps about and drops of water are flying everywhere.)

RJ: (muffled) Hey guys! (dance, dance, wheeze, wheeze) Guess who I am!?

Dad: (shielding himself from the water flying everywhere) Uhhh…

RJ: (wiggle, leap, wheeze, wheeze) Guess!

Dad: Umm… RJ, I have honestly no idea.

RJ: (wheeze, rasp) I’m an old water spirit! Do you like my beard?

(RJ and Dad have just returned from an after-school teeball game…)

RJ: (excited) I know what I’m wearing to the school disco tonight! It has to be something tropical. I have my blue Hawaiian shirt and my flower shorts. They’ll be perfect! I’ll probably wear my beret too… What are you going to wear?

Dad: Me? Just normal clothes — nothing special.

RJ: (thoughtfully) Hmmm… You probably have something tropical you could wear.

Dad: Yeah, but it’s a kids’ disco. I don’t need to dress up.

RJ: But don’t you have a blue Hawaiian shirt? You should definitely wear that; it looks good.

Dad: Umm… Okay, I guess.

(Dad grabs his blue Hawaiian shirt and puts it on).

RJ: And probably some shorts, too. It’s too hot out there for pants.

Dad: True…

(While Dad changes into a pair of shorts, RJ disappears into another room.)

RJ: (runs back in, breathless) Hey Dad! I found your hat! You should definitely wear this one!

Dad: (puts hat on) Okay! Okay! Can we go now?

RJ: Yeah! Let’s go!

Somehow RJ and Dad ended up dressing very similarly...

(Later that night, RJ was infuriated when he heard Dad say, “RJ said we had to dress the same”. He insists that it wasn’t true and that he just made some suggestions so that Dad would look good.)

(while eating dinner)

RJ: (after carefully studying his plate for a minute, spears a mushroom on his fork and holds it up) Is this a safe one?

Mom: Yes. It’s definitely safe.

RJ: Well… How do you know?

Mom: Because we bought it at the shops and they only sell edible mushrooms there.

RJ: What kind is it?

Mom: It’s just a normal button mushroom. Eat it!

RJ: (quiet pause) Here Mum, just have a little bite. Tell me what you think.

Mom: No, RJ. I will not be your personal food tester. Five year olds aren’t at risk of assassination.

RJ: (turns to Dad) Dad?

Dad: (sighing) If I must…

(Dad puts the mushroom into his mouth, chews for a moment, then dramatically falls to the floor, clutching throat, moaning, gurgling and convulsing, then becomes still. RJ cheers and starts jumping on his back… until Dad gives in and returns to the table.)

Mom: RJ, sit down and EAT!

Mom: (turning to Dad) Nice example, honey.

Dad: I know, I know. Totally inappropriate… Parenting FAIL, but dramatic overacting WIN!

(RJ announcing, from up in a tree)

Excuse me! Attention please!

We would like you to know that there has been a change in policy.

The change in policy is:

Kids are now allowed to have alcohol, whenever they want!

Now bring us some Coke!

(while exploring someone else’s back yard)

RJ: Hey Dad. These people have a whole extra house in their backyard!

RJ: (peering through a window) It’s not just a shed. There’s furniture and stuff in there!

Dad: Cool! What do you think it’s for?

RJ: Well, I know all about these. It’s an abandoned children house; lots of people have them. It’s for kids with no mums and dads, or whose parents don’t want them anymore.

(while walking to lunch)

RJ: (excited) Dad. Stop here! I want to show you something!

Dad: Yeah? What’s up?

RJ: (pointing to ground) Right here. See? This metal plate. It’s a lid to something; you can open it!

Dad: Sure. I guess you could… but…

RJ: (starts struggling to lift heavy plate steel cover) Look! There are no nails or anything holding it down, you can just…

Dad: (worried about RJ’s fingers being crushed) Stop, RJ! Wait! Wait!… Arrgh… Okay, let me help.

(Dad decides it’s easier to help RJ lift the cover safely than to talk him out of it… revealing a dark hole filled with a crawling mass of hundreds of cockroaches and crickets, who decide to make a break for it out of the hole.)

RJ & Dad: ………. Yeeeaaarrrckk! …………..

(RJ wisely jumps back. Dad is left to slowly and carefully replace the heavy steel cover, while dodging the rush of panicked roaches that have decided his shoes would make a terrific new hiding place).

RJ: (freaking out) Dad! Who are we going to tell about this? What can we do?

Dad: What do you mean? It’s their home. They obviously love it there. We can just leave them alone.

RJ: (incredulous) Are you crazy, man?! They’ll keep growing in there and growing and growing! They’ll take over the whole city! All the shops! Everything!

Dad: RJ, calm down! Have a look over there — there’s another hole. I think I see one over there too and another over there. They’re all probably full of these guys, and they’ve been like this for ages.

RJ: This is a really big deal! I can’t believe you’re not doing anything!

Dad: It’s fine, mate. Really.

RJ: It is NOT fine! My favorite restaurant is right across the road!

Over the school holidays, LR and RJ had the chance to write and record their own songs with a live musician! Be warned, these are extremely catchy tunes.

Monsters Chow, by RJ

Blue Eyed Cat, by LR and friend

[ Click the pictures to get to the songs. ]

RJ, on household artillery:

I know what the dumbest weapon in the whole world is.

A toaster.

First, you never know when it will actually go off and shoot. It just pops when it wants to.

Second, if it doesn’t pop up in time, it just smokes and burns and then your whole face is filled with smoke and you’re coughing and it’s just terrible.

Third…

Well…

It mostly just shoots toast. Not many bad guys are scared of toast.

So you can see, a toaster is the worst… weapon… ever!

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!!  CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!