Crumpled Home

(while reading a bedtime story)

Dad: … “It’s that nickel I found, only it isn’t a nickel! It’s a magic charm…” … Hang on guys, do you know what a nickel is?

LR & RJ: Yeeeesssss…

Dad: LR, what do you think it is?

LR: It’s a type of metal, right?

Dad: That’s right. But it’s also one of these… RJ, any ideas?

RJ: (confidently) It’s kind of a small metal tooth — very detailed.

Dad: Uhhh… What?! Nevermind.
It’s a 5 cent coin from America. They used to make them out of nickel because it’s hard and stays shiny.

RJ & LR: Ohhhh!!!

(driving in the car)

RJ: I know the WORST place to get sunburned. Do you know it, Dad?

Dad: I can think of a few places that would be pretty terrible. Where do you think?

RJ: The second worst place is…  In… Your… Armpits… The skin is so thin there, and you’re always moving it. It would be TERRIBLE!

Dad: I totally agree!

RJ: I know. In the olden days, they just wore singlets and they would get burned there all the time. One day the king said, “Enough! I hate having sunburned armpits!” and so someone invented a t-shirt. The king had a big celebration and it wasn’t a problem any more.

Dad: Cool! I didn’t know that… You said that’s the second worst place to get burned. What’s the actual WORST place?

RJ: Oh, easy. Sunburn on your brain is definitely the worst place… but you can only get that if you’re a zombie. Don’t worry about it.

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: If I had a choice between eating liver treats and a big bowl of Rice Bubbles… I think I’d go for the Rice Bubbles.

Dad: I think I’d agree. Besides, liver treats are just awful in milk.

LR: (giggles)

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being a rubbish man or building blocks for a job… I think I’d go for the blocks. Rubbish is just so stinky.

Dad: I agree there too.

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being attacked by scorpions, or eating a nice piece of cake… I think I’d go for the cake.

LR: (attempting to make it more challenging) And what about if you had to choose between being attacked by a lion or being attacked by –

RJ: (interrupting) a cuddly bilbi? I’ll take the bilbi!!!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom let me get a comic from the box without doing anything extra.

Dad: Well I’m not Mum. You only have to do two thank-you cards to get one.

RJ: So tomorrow I’ll just sit down and then I’ll do two whole cards and then I’ll go and get a comic.

Dad: Yep. I’m glad you understand and you’re not complaining about it.

RJ: (grumpily) Hmmph. That was NOT enthusiasm, Dad.

(while at the park)

Heather: So are you and C. in the same class?

RJ: No, we’re not… Everyone knows about the mischief we get up to.

Heather: Ohhh really…

RJ: Yeah. We are just two dudes up to no good, and it’s on record.

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, does the wind suck the colour out of the world during the night?

Mom: Well, no. But that’s a really poetic way of looking at things. Why do you ask?

RJ: No reason.

(while getting into bed)

Dad: Hey RJ, why were you asking about colours during dinner?

RJ: Well, one night, I left a poster that I coloured in next to my window… and you know how my window is always open? Well it was super windy and everything was just blowing everywhere. When I woke up the next morning all the colours in my poster were gone. It was really weird.

Dad: That is strange… I really liked your idea, though, even if it wasn’t right.

RJ: I’m really glad it’s not right.

Dad: Why?

RJ: My dragon mosaic that I made today is outside… on the table… and it’s starting to get windy.

(about to get to work)

Dad: Oh no, RJ! You’re too young for this lego! It says on the box that you have to be nine!

RJ: I’m doing it anyway! Who cares about the law!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, did you know that I’ll eat crustaceans now.

Mom: Really? That’s good.

RJ: And I’ll eat fish, birds and mammals, too.

Mom: Uh huh.

RJ: But I will NOT eat amphibians or reptiles, so don’t even go there.

(a sudden outburst while playing lego)

RJ: Cheese fans, don’t be surprised! The Age of Yellow Cheese is over! Welcome to the age of Digital Cheese… from Mars!

It’s so easy to bring with you! It just disappears! It’s very good if you’re on a diet.

If you think you’re eating the tastiest cheese in the world, you’re not. You need to try Digital Cheese… from Mars!

Dad: Umm, okay… I guess I’ll have a bit.

(just before breakfast)

RJ: Did you hear all that noise last night? Was it keeping you awake?

Dad: No? What noise?

RJ: All those really loud rumbling and booming sounds.

Dad: Do you mean the storm? I guess it was raining a lot.

RJ: Ha! You just THINK it was the storm… It was actually my stomach. It was making noises ALL NIGHT! I am SO hungry!