Crumpled Home

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!!  CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!

(reading before school)

RJ: So… Why are they called hedgehogs anyway?

Dad: Well, there used to be lots of different sorts… Hedgehogs, bushhogs, treehogs, sandhogs… You get the idea. But they all went extinct.

RJ: DAD!

…

RJ: (reading) “… Some hedgehogs live in the dessert…”

Dad: Careful. It’s DESERT with one ‘S’. You know, the dry place with lots of sand.

RJ: (deliberately ignores Dad and continues) “…There are people who lick hedgehogs and leave food for them at night…”

Dad: RJ, It’s LIKE, not LICK. You know that one.

RJ: But if they live in the dessert, they must be pretty tasty. I would lick them too.

(while writing a letter to a friend)

RJ: Dear… Lewis… I… hop…   Dad, how do you spell ‘hope’?

Dad: H… O… P… E… You have to have the silent ‘e’ on the end, or you get ‘hop’.

RJ: Ahhh… Silent ‘e’… You’re always sneaking in there… My ultimate enemy…

Just noting a couple of things that I didn’t want to forget.

Bedtimes with LR have always been very simple and easy until recently. These days I have to wait until she does a special hand motion with her hands and says, “I’ve got an awkward purple turtle…” in a weird, almost American accent. Once that has happened, I have to say goodnight to the turtle and then the regular routine resumes.

Reading with RJ is a mixture of suffering and elation. He is clearly bored with reading the books from the classroom and about half the time he makes it as difficult as possible. When things are going smoothly, he loves to play with words and the language. Two months ago, he redefined the exclamation point as a ‘whisper mark’. This introduced all sorts of unexpected amusement in his learning to read books when at the climax, the main character leaps forward and in a tremendous whisper mumbles, “Oh no!”

(while reading before bedtime)

RJ: Dad, you know Tom is just a kid when he starts the Beast Quest books, but at the end, he’s grown up?

Dad: Yeah. All those adventures must have taken a long time.

RJ: Well… He doesn’t ever buy new clothes.

Dad: I guess he doesn’t.

RJ: So at the end, he must be feeling pretty squished in such small clothes! And they’re probably all falling apart, too!

(a few weeks ago)

So RJ just had a massive meltdown, a full-on tantrum. We had the whole deal: screaming, tears, rage and finally just incredibly sad and dejected… The reason this time?

We refused to buy him a book.

Yes, we are cruel, harsh parents and yes, we are aware he’ll always have trouble fitting in with the other kids at school, but we refuse to have silly, made-up stories taking up so much of our childrens’ time. If we let them, they’d spend hours just sitting there on the couch doing absolutely nothing except filling their heads with empty nonsense. Half of the books appear to be filled with advertising anyway, to get you to buy the following books in the series. Mr. Dickens, we are sooooo onto you.

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While we were away for half of July (pictures coming soon, promise!), we were just as busy through the rest of it. American Independence Day rolled around and we invited the family over for hamburgers and sparklers. Dad got to stand outside and grill the burgers in the cold, rainy winter weather and ponder how to get some ‘real’ fireworks into the country. There was a disco for the end of the term at school — apparently costumes were NOT optional. Finally, Dad and RJ rocked out at the AC-DC exhibition at the WA Museum.

Grammy gets some sparklers lit while RJ... Hang on a minute! HEY RJ! STOP TRYING TO SET THE LAWN ON FIRE!

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(before school)

Dad: RJ, what’s this word here?

RJ: Uhhhmmmm… Can Scorpy have a try?

Dad: I didn’t know scorpions could read, but okay. Go ahead Scorpy.

RJ: (holding toy scorpion to the screen) L… E… E… P… S… Leeps!

Dad: Scorpy… I think you’re reading it backwards.

RJ: Yes! Bad Scorpy! You got it all wrong!

(10 minutes later)

RJ: Now Scorpy, I’ve tied this string on you until you learn to read properly. No more backwards reading!
… and when I get home from school, I’m going to put you in a cup of water with crystals dissolved in it… and then you will be trapped in a crystal forever. Is that what you want?

June flew past in a hurry. The kids put together an impromptu magic show one morning, and LR played piano for a huge crowd. RJ flew and continued to be full of surprises. We spent an evening outside taking German lessons in the dark, and the kids channelled their inner zombies while discovering where all their good ideas come from.

RJ took flying lessons at one of his friend's birthday parties. That trampoline practice came in handy!

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(while eating breakfast)

RJ: We could write a book called, “How to Scare Yourself.”

Dad: Yeah? What would be in it?

RJ: Only one page… Only words and no pictures.

Dad: What would it say?

RJ: (making eerie wind-through-the-trees sounds) “Just blow and whistle.”

Dad: Great idea, but I don’t think many people would buy it.

RJ: It’s okay. I’ll just give them away… As birthday presents!