Crumpled Home

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

(RJ wanders past, arms full of ‘stuff’)

Dad: Umm… RJ, doesn’t that all belong outside?

RJ: Oh yeah, Dad. I’m just moving it in here for a couple of minutes.

I’m sensible, you know! A man with his own brain.

Dad: Thanks for helping carry stuff out to the car, LR.

LR: No. problem. But. I. am. not. LR.

Dad: You’re… a robot?

LR: Yes. No. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: You’re a chicken robot?

LR: No. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: You’re a robot, pretending to be a chicken?

LR: Yes. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: Do you like chickens for some reason, robot?

LR: No. I. hate. chickens.

Dad: So you’re a robot that hates chickens, pretending to be a chicken? What on Earth for?

LR: So. I. can. get. into. the. chicken. coop. Obviously. they. do. not. let. robots. in.

Dad: And why would a chicken hating robot want to get into a chicken coop?

LR: It. is. the. only. way. to. defeat. them. I. will. fight. them. while. they. sleep.

(LR wanders off, as I wonder if I’ve confused her for RJ… and what on earth is wrong with our children.)

(getting to bed after watching the movie Megamind)

Dad: Time to get to sleep, RJ… And by the way, we have a rule in this family:
You aren’t allowed to grow up to be an evil super-villain.

RJ: No Dad. That’s what you’re doing… After you’re done being a parent.

Dad: Shhhhh. That’s my secret plan.

RJ: Don’t worry. I won’t tell mum. She’d battle you and you’d probably end up dying.

Dad: I know. Shes always ruining my plans… Always.

RJ: Watch out, Dad. They’re all robots now.

Dad: Who’s that?

RJ: The spiders and insects… Even the scorpions. They’ve all been replaced by robots.

Dad: Let me guess. The bad guys have a plan to take over the world?

RJ: Yes, and it starts by replacing all the venomous creatures with robots.

RJ: … but not the lizards. They’re still on our side.

(getting ready to go to swimming class)

Dad: Hey RJ. I have an idea. How about you go to the bathroom before we go to swimming?

RJ: Bad idea.

Dad: Bad? Why’s that?

RJ: Because it’s your idea.

Dad: But why is my idea bad? Are they all bad?

RJ: Yes, they’re all bad… Bad because … Because they’re part of your plans… Your evil plans… Your evil, evil plans.

(Uh oh… Looks like he’s on to me!)