Crumpled Home

(while getting ready for bed)

RJ: Dad. I know what would be the worst thing ever!

Dad: What’s that?

RJ: Being allergic… to yourself! You would try to walk around and then just fall over everywhere. You would just be fainting all the time.

(RJ falls to the floor dramatically and starts flopping about.)

Dad: Yikes! You’re not allergic to yourself are you?

RJ: Nope. I’m not allergic to anything!

Dad: You know, lots of people get red and super itchy and swell up when they’re allergic too.

RJ: Yeah! You’d be puffy and scratching AND fainting all the time and you wouldn’t ever get better!
We’d better watch out for people with red cheeks!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: You know my friend R. at school. His dad had to learn how to be a doctor AND how to be a dad.

Dad: Yeah? How’d he do that? Did he go to Dad School or something?

RJ: (annoyed at not being taken seriously) No. He had to go and train to be both of them. It took years!

Dad: But where? Where do you train to be a dad and a doctor then?

RJ: He went to university — where all your dreams come true.

RJ: I’m mixing up a potion! So far I have water, lemon juice and honey, but I need something else… Something special.

Dad: How about maple syrup?

RJ: Perfect! This is the best potion ever.

Dad: What does it do?

RJ: I can’t tell you. You’d better have some though.

Dad: (taking a shot of the potion) Okay!

(later that morning)

RJ: Here Mum. You need some of this.

Mom: What is it?

RJ: It’s medicine, a special potion that I made.

Mom: (cautiously) What does it do?

RJ: It makes you less grumpy!

Dad: Better give her an extra big dose then! (runs and hides)

Mom: (eyes shooting daggers at Dad) Okay… Give me some then.

Mom: (deadpan) Wow. I feel great… (yelling) Now everyone, GET OUT!

RJ: You know, you can’t actually get history doctors anywhere. They just don’t exist!

Dad: What do you mean by history doctors?

RJ: Doctors that fix people the way they used to, from history.

Dad: Well, I guess not… It’s because we can usually do better using modern methods.

RJ: And also… because those guys are all dead.

RJ: You walk into a shop and are like,
“Hey Buddy, any Romans for sale?”
“No, Sorry… Because they’re all dead.“

Roachy was looking very feeble that morning; on his back, legs stuck in the air, barely moving at all. RJ spent some time finding the right kind of tree bark “medicine” and carefully placing it next to Roachy. The rest of us had pretty much given up hope. Roachy was well on his way to becoming an ex-cockroach.

The next morning over breakfast, we held our breath as RJ carefully looked into the box.  To our dismay surprise, we found Roachy happily perched on his piece of bark, antennae waving jauntily in greeting.

“He’s all better! He’ll need some food!” cried RJ.

After a healthy breakfast of lettuce, tomato and mushroom, Roachy was looking terrific. RJ declared him healed and we sent the two of them off together to school.

The teachers must be getting really, really sick of our ‘pets’.

Today we learn that roaches are TOUGH... After the apocalypse the only things that will survive... Cochroaches... Twinkies... and the remains of things held together with duct tape.

(RJ has adopted a cockroach that he found outside. It was suspiciously easy to catch… This morning, over breakfast…)

RJ: I don’t think Roachy is sleeping. He just falls over a lot.

LR: He hasn’t fallen over. He’s dead.

RJ: No! He’s moving! See?

LR: I don’t think he’s feeling very good. Cockroaches aren’t meant to do that.

Dad: Hey guys… Yesterday, when I was spraying the outdoor area for redbacks, he might have gotten some of the spider poison on him. I don’t think it’s very good for cockroaches either.

RJ: (nearly in tears) BUT YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT! YOU SHOULD JUST SPRAY THE SPIDERS.

LR: He’s dying. He’s going to die RJ. We should let him go.

RJ: No! We can’t do that. Roachy can’t walk very well. Something might eat him.

Dad: We can’t keep him, RJ. He’s like all our wild animal pets, we have to let them go after a while. They just aren’t happy inside.

LR: What if we put him in the front yard?

RJ: No. He can’t hide. See? His legs don’t work properly. It wont be safe for him.

Dad: Can we put some mulch or something in the box with him? He’ll be happier then.

RJ: Yes! We CAN do that. And then we can make him some medicine, so he’ll get better.