Crumpled Home

In Australia some families (ours included) carry on the British tradition of the Christmas pudding. It’s a magical beast, vaguely like a fruitcake (in the same way a rhinoceros is vaguely like a lamb), but heavier, denser, drenched in brandy and delivered to the table covered in blue flames. Fantastic stuff.

One of the traditions when making the pudding takes place after the ingredients have been put together and mixed. Everyone in the house gets to stir the bowl and make a wish. This year, the kids (LR, RJ and their cousins from Melbourne) helped out.

Grammy: And after we mix everything together, we each get to stir the pudding and make a wish!

LR: Why do we get to make a wish?

Grammy: Because the pudding is magic.

LR: Why? When does the magic get in there?

Grammy: After you put everything in and mix it together.

LR: (inspecting the bowls of ingredients in front of her) But where does the magic come from? Is it in the ingredients?

Grammy: No. It just happens after it’s all mixed together.

LR: … but…

Grammy: It’s like birthdays when you cut the cake. You just get to make a wish, okay?

(Unsatisfied with the explanation, LR drops the issue and adds it to her long list of the nonsense that adults insist on believing.)

Sorcery! Witchcraft! Complete and utter rubbish!

(in the car)
RJ: I’m putting a spell on you daddy. Now you’re small and I’ve put you in a tiny little cage like a bird.

Dad: Whoah. Can I climb out?

RJ: No. The bars are too close together.

Dad: I try my block magic, so your spell doesn’t get to me.

RJ: I have magic that stops block magic from working. You’re still stuck in the cage.

Dad: I call my friend, the good witch, and she casts a spell to get me out of the cage.

RJ: That wont work.

Dad: Why not?

RJ: Because I’ve left some icecream on the floor and she eats it up instead of helping you.

Dad: Rats… I’ve got some tools in my pocket and I cut a hole in the bottom of the cage and get out! Now I’m little and running and hiding in the room.

RJ: Now you step in the icecream mess and it’s all slippery and you fall over.

Dad: But I wipe off my shoes and run away and hide again!

RJ: I call my friend, the bad witch with a big nose, and she sniffs and sniffs and finds you. Now you’re in the cage again.

Dad: I climb back out the hole that I made. Ha ha! I’m running around again!

RJ: I get some super strong tape and glue and fix up the hole and we catch you and put you back in!

Dad: Can I poke through the tape?

RJ: No. It’s too strong.

Dad: Okay… umm… I use my super strong powers to bend the bars on the cage open and climb out!

RJ: We catch you and put you back. Then we put your cage inside another one that is extra strong. You can’t get out now.

Dad: I start whistling a song to call my elephant friend and he comes and gets me out!

RJ: I put a magic spell on him too. Now he’s little and I’m putting him in a cage without a daddy in it.

Dad: I whistle for my bear friend!

RJ: More magic! He’s little and I’m putting him in a cage without a daddy in it.

Dad: I whistle for my dinosaur friend!

RJ: More magic! He’s little and I’m putting him in a cage without a daddy in it.

Dad: Is there any way out of this cage?

RJ: No. Try whistling for a lion.

Dad: Uhh, okay… I whistle for my lion friend!

RJ: Magic! He’s little too and in a new cage… Try a crocodile.

Dad: Okay… I whistle for my crocodile frie…

RJ: Magic! He’s little! Try a kangaroo.

Dad: Wont you just make him little too?

RJ: Yes!

Dad: Will he get me out of the cage?

RJ: No. But I need a kangaroo for my collection.

Dad: You’ve got quite a lot of animals now.

RJ: Yes. I’m starting a zoo.

(Dictated by LR on the way to school)

Dear Ms. Frizzle,

We are sorry to tell you this but we had to take away the magic school bus. You can have it back now but there is no magic left in it. The parents didn’t like all the magic things that you were doing, and they don’t believe in magic, so now it is gone.

We are very sorry.

LR (for school administration)