Dad: All ready for T-Ball practice?

RJ: Yeah. I know how I can beat everyone at it too.

Dad: Really? How are you going to do that?

RJ: (rubbing hands and looking extremely mischievous) I have a secret weapon…

RJ: … I call it… Lunch.

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5. We all have to contribute in this family

(while packing lunches for school)

Dad: So RJ, what do you want for lunch?

RJ: Hmmm… How about… chip?

Dad: No chips, something else?

RJ: Just grab a potato, then you slice it nice and thin…

Dad: (pointing to loaf of sliced bread) How about this instead?
Now in front of me is a very rare Brazilian Potato. I carefully open the wrapping, and then large chips just peel away. Amazing stuff! Greatest invention since…

RJ: (sternly) That’s not a Brazilian potato. That’s impossible.

Dad: What do you mean?

RJ: Don’t you remember the song? The Brazil song?

RJ: (singing) No tea…. Or tomato juice…
You’ll see… No potato juice…

RJ: No potato juice means no potatoes. Sorry.

Dad: You’re right… My mistake — wrong South American country. Now in front of me is a very rare Bolivian Potato…

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(while eating lunch)

Teacher: Hi RJ! We’re going to be talking about paint today and where it comes from. Do you have any ideas on how to make paint?

RJ: (nonchalantly) Oh yeah. You just need some eye dust and then some blood and then you mix it together and put it all over your hands and you can make handprints.

Teacher: So what colour would that paint be?

RJ: Red… Dark red.

Teacher: That’s a pretty good idea. What about if you wanted some other colour though?

RJ: (thinking) Hmm…

RJ: You just need different coloured eye dust!

Teacher: But where do you get coloured eye dust from?

RJ: Easy! From eyeballs… from dead people!

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(while eating lunch)

(RJ sits silently, unmoving, while his eyes roll around madly.)

Dad: Hey, what are you doing?

(His eyes dart left, then right, then left again.)

Dad: RJ? Are you okay?

(His eyes continue to crazily flick around the room, glancing up, down, and doing loops. He is otherwise motionless.)

Dad: RJ! What is going on?!!!

RJ: It’s the music. My eyeballs love this music! They’re dancing!

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(during a family lunch with everyone sitting at the dinner table)

Poppa: So does anyone want to get up and fetch me a glass of water?

(no volunteers)

Poppa: (gets up and walks into the kitchen) I guess I’ll get it myself.

LR: (with mock dismay) How come Poppa has to do all of the work around here?

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(Over the weekend, I introduced the kids to some Monty Python sketches, which RJ really seemed to enjoy. This may not have been a good idea…)

Dad: What do you want in your sandwiches, guys?

RJ: Toasty cheese!

LR: Ham, Cheese and tomato, please!

Dad: Okay. Toasty cheese for RJ. And for LR, ham, cheese, tomato and spam… without the spam in it.

LR: No spam! Stop talking about spam!

RJ: Spam! I love spam! I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

LR: (yelling, upset) BUT I DON’T LIKE SPAM!

RJ: (yelling, ecstatic)… spam, spam, spam, spam. Spammity spam! Wonderful Spam!

Dad & RJ: (yelling together) SHUT UP YOU VIKINGS!

LR & Mum: Please stop now? Please?

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(RJ walks in with a mesh bag over his head)

RJ: I’m a helping robot. I do everything you say!

Dad: I LOVE THIS ROBOT!!!

… (later)

Dad: So, Robot, what do you do for fun?

RJ: We play robot games. Robot hide and seek. Robot chasing. Switch on switch off.

Dad: And do you have to eat food?

RJ: Yes. I am hungry.

Dad: What do you eat?

RJ: (deviously) Only robot lollypops and robot chocolate.

Dad: Bad news, Robot. We don’t have those, anything else?

RJ: (sighing) Sometimes we can eat robot peanut butter sandwiches.

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5. A few chip laughs

RJ: I’m eating bot fly larva,mum.
Mum: Mmmhmm. That’s nice.
RJ: Now I’m eating tape worms.
Mum: Uh huh.…
RJ: I can feel the eggs hatching.
Mum: Pass the fruit.
RJ: I need more food. They’re taking all my nutrients.
LR: THAT’S IT! HE’S GROSS! I’m done with lunch. (stomps off)
RJ: Well, that was easy. How was your day, mum?

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