Crumpled Home

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

(while playing lego together)

Dad: So RJ, if you were at your birthday party and a giant, venomous spider showed up, threatening everyone…

RJ: (curious) Yeah?

Dad: What kind of weapon would you use to fight it? A sword? A spear?

RJ: Well… Hmm… To kill a giant spider,..  I would use… A giant boot!

(while walking to lunch)

RJ: (excited) Dad. Stop here! I want to show you something!

Dad: Yeah? What’s up?

RJ: (pointing to ground) Right here. See? This metal plate. It’s a lid to something; you can open it!

Dad: Sure. I guess you could… but…

RJ: (starts struggling to lift heavy plate steel cover) Look! There are no nails or anything holding it down, you can just…

Dad: (worried about RJ’s fingers being crushed) Stop, RJ! Wait! Wait!… Arrgh… Okay, let me help.

(Dad decides it’s easier to help RJ lift the cover safely than to talk him out of it… revealing a dark hole filled with a crawling mass of hundreds of cockroaches and crickets, who decide to make a break for it out of the hole.)

RJ & Dad: ………. Yeeeaaarrrckk! …………..

(RJ wisely jumps back. Dad is left to slowly and carefully replace the heavy steel cover, while dodging the rush of panicked roaches that have decided his shoes would make a terrific new hiding place).

RJ: (freaking out) Dad! Who are we going to tell about this? What can we do?

Dad: What do you mean? It’s their home. They obviously love it there. We can just leave them alone.

RJ: (incredulous) Are you crazy, man?! They’ll keep growing in there and growing and growing! They’ll take over the whole city! All the shops! Everything!

Dad: RJ, calm down! Have a look over there — there’s another hole. I think I see one over there too and another over there. They’re all probably full of these guys, and they’ve been like this for ages.

RJ: This is a really big deal! I can’t believe you’re not doing anything!

Dad: It’s fine, mate. Really.

RJ: It is NOT fine! My favorite restaurant is right across the road!

In August, as many of us suffered colds and ear infections, another birthday rolled around, RJ played his soccer final, and the kids dressed up for Book Day. We also spent a great weekend up at Gingin with some friends and discovered LR really can be an angel when she wants to.

Make a wish! Mom slices into her favorite cake, pinapple upside-down cake!

Continue reading

(while eating breakfast)

LR: Dad, now my other foot is hurting.

Dad: From yesterday, on the trampoline? Not a good sign. You know what they do with horses when they break a leg or seriously hurt themselves?

LR: No?

Dad: They shoot them.

LR: You can’t shoot me!

Dad: I know. We’ll come up with another plan instead.

RJ: How about we just build a pyramid and bury her inside with some slaves and some of those beetles?

Dad: Nice idea. We can leave the cat in there too!

LR: Noooooo!

Dad: How about we find her a job where she doesn’t have to walk around much?

RJ: Why don’t we cover her in honey, and stand her in the corner so that all the flies and mosquitoes stick to her.

Dad: Great idea!

LR: Nooooo!

RJ: Okay then. We don’t have a choice. We’ll have to put her on a boat with all her weapons and set her on fire.

Dad: I’ve always loved a good Viking burial!

LR: But… But… But, I don’t have a wife to burn with me, so you’d have to throw my best friend on there, and L.’s parents would be REALLY MAD if you did that!

RJ: Watch out, Dad. They’re all robots now.

Dad: Who’s that?

RJ: The spiders and insects… Even the scorpions. They’ve all been replaced by robots.

Dad: Let me guess. The bad guys have a plan to take over the world?

RJ: Yes, and it starts by replacing all the venomous creatures with robots.

RJ: … but not the lizards. They’re still on our side.

While we were up at Gingin helping with the yearly wine making, a few cute little arachnids happily made their way across the floor to say, ‘Hi‘. Of course, the kids spotted them before anyone else. At first, we thought one of them had been crushed, but it turns out they are just deceptive little creatures and relish disguising themselves in places where they have the opportunity to attack your toes.

We found a suitable plastic container (one with multiple latches, locks, a secondary containment unit and an airlock) and collected them up so we could have a closer look.

Meet "Stingo", a (hopefully temporary) new addition to our family. We think he is a "Lychas spinatus spinatus", but we haven't identified him properly yet. A lot of people just seem to call them "Little Marbled Scorpions".

Unlike our last pet from Gingin (Mr. Bitey), these guys don’t have a disturbing taste for meat (raw, cooked or still attached to your body). They also don’t inspire the same deep, visceral fear that a vividly-coloured, 8 inch venomous predator with the alarming ability to scale any surface at surprisingly high speeds does… And the legs…. Oh god, so many legs…

We did a little research and discovered that they are terrific for getting rid of garden pests! Amazingly, they are happy to feast on slaters (pill bugs), which our garden beds are always crawling with.

Of course, the inevitable question came from RJ. “I can keep these as pets, right? Forever?”

…

…

…

Four hours later, the car was packed and we were driving home to Perth. As I drove, I had visions of our news friends escaping… Our first clue being a yelp from the dog, then yells from the kids, “The scorpions are out!!!”, followed by a lovely evening by the side of the road unpacking our gear and madly stomping around on the ground, eventually ending with us hitching a ride back, our car abandoned on the side of the road with a rough sign in the window, “Danger!!! SCORPIONS!!!!”

Fortunately, we made it home without a problem.

So… We’ve adopted three “Little Marbled Scorpions” for at least a week, just to see how they do. RJ can be responsible for finding food for them, and he’s already named them: “Fango”, “Stingo” and “Pinchers”. Unfortunately, they are venomous.

We wont be bringing them out for cuddles or playtime, but we have Bob for that.

(the cousins have been visiting)

Grammy: Ladybugs are great! They help us up at Gingin by eating the pests that eat our plants.

Mi: Like fruit bats?

The trip to Melbourne wasn’t only for Thanksgiving dinner with our friends. We also spent a bunch of time with our cousins!

Even though it was nearly summer, the weather was typical Melbourne: cool and rainy. The day we arrived, we stopped by a great cafe for a terrific brunch followed by a trip to the Melbourne Museum. They have a great permanent dinosaur exhibit and while we were there, they had a fantastic arthropod exhibit with a huge collection of LIVE tarantulas and dangerous spiders as well as some insects. RJ was in heaven — a museum full of dinosaurs and bugs!

Off to a cafe for breakfast, where LR tells Mi. all the latest news. Surprise of the morning: both LR and RJ like kippers!

Continue reading

(walking back to the house)

RJ: Aaaarrrrrrrgggghh. Mozzies! I can’t stand mozzies!

Dad: I know, they’re terrible. What don’t you like about them?

RJ: After they bite me, I get so … aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh… itchy!

Dad: I’ll see if we can get some cream on that after we get inside.

RJ: Thanks.

Dad: So, can you think of a way to stop getting bitten so much?

RJ: Umm… Yes! I wish I could turn into a mosquito, then I’d be safe!