Crumpled Home

(while driving, in France)

Dad: After a long, long day, we’ve finally returned to the quiet streets of Balma!

(giggling erupts from the back seat)

Mom: The farmers’ market is open again tomorrow. We’ll have to stop by and pick a few things up.

Dad: That was on the main street of Balma, right?

(huge amounts of giggling from the back seat)

Dad: I wonder why they called it Balma, anyway?

(peals of uncontrollable laughter burst from the kids)

Dad: What!? What is so funny back there?

LR: Well… RJ says that Balma…

RJ: Aaaaah!! You just said it!

LR: … is a very, VERY rude word in French.

(while driving)

Dad: (quietly to Mom) What’s he doing now?

Mom: (looking into the back seat) I… I think he’s pulling the legs off his squid?

Dad: He’s being really quiet. He’s really focused on it.

(a few minutes later)

RJ: Hey everyone! Look! LOOK!

RJ: (holds up toy squid by two remaining tentacles and dances it around) I’m Queen Elizabeth! I’m Queen Elizabeth!

(while driving)

RJ: You da man, Dad!

Dad: No! You da man, RJ!

RJ: No! I didn’t say that… I said, “You demon Dad!”

Dad: I’m a demon dad? What?

RJ: NO! NO! I didn’t say that either… I said, “You demanded!”

Dad: Oh well then… You demand demon da man, RJ!

(in the car)

RJ: I’ve got your drink, Dad, but I’ve closed the lid super tight.

Dad: That’s okay. I’m pretty strong. I’m sure I’ll get it open.

RJ: No. I don’t think so. It’s so tight that only the strongest man in the world can open it… and that’s not you.

Dad: So what can I do if I get thirsty?

RJ: Well… There is one way. I’ll tell you. You need the ‘Key to the Mists’.

Dad: Whoah. Where am I going to find that?

RJ: It’s protected at the end of a tunnel and the only way to get the key is to win a dance competition. You need to use your best moves…

RJ: Sorry Dad. You’ll never win.

(in the car)

RJ: (singing) Chikka-chakka-chikka-chukka cho… (continues for a minute)
RJ: Do you like my song?
Dad: Sure, but I don’t understand the words or what it’s about.
RJ: You don’t know the Chikka-chakka language?
Dad: Nope. It’s a bit sad really.
RJ: Ugh.. That’s terrible…
RJ: (a few moments later) (singing) Waa-waa-wee-ooo. Waaa… (continues for a minute)
RJ: How about that song?
Dad: Great one, but bad news… I didn’t understand that one either.
RJ: What!? You don’t understand Waa-wee language? That is ridiculous! What did they teach you in school?!
Dad: I guess it wasn’t a very good school.
RJ: Okay. One more try…
RJ: (singing) Mikka-mak, mikka-mak mooo! Mikka-mak, mikka-mak mooo-ooo-ooo! Mikka-mikka… (continues for ages)
Dad: That’s the best one yet, but you’ll have to explain it to me.
RJ: It’s a song about falling in love… with a beautiful girl.
Dad: It’s awesome. I’ll have to sing it to mum.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(in the car)

LR: I think maybe someday I would like to run a shop.

Dad: What kind of shop?

LR: I’m not sure.

Dad: Selling things that you like and know a lot about is a good idea.

LR: So maybe… horse things?

Dad: Sure. That could be a really useful place.

LR: But how does it work? Where do shops get the things to sell?

Dad: As a shop owner, you call up the people who make the stuff and you buy it from them. After you’ve got it in your shop, you put it on the shelves and sell it.

LR: But there’s a problem… How do you get money? If you sell something and get some money, then you have to buy something else to sell… You don’t have any money left over!

Dad: Good point, but there’s a trick to it. If you bought some riding boots for $10, you could sell them in your shop for more than that… for $20. You get to keep the extra.

LR: There’s another problem right there.

Dad: What do you mean?

LR: No one is going to buy boots for $20!

Dad: You might have to sell them for less than that, then.

LR: No. We have to sell them for more… We just need to have some ads to make them want to buy them.

(in the car)

RJ: Make sure you’re not speeding, Daddy.

Dad: No problem. I’m definitely not speeding.

RJ: Mum got a speeding ticket you know.

Dad: (curiously) Really? She didn’t mention that to me.

RJ: Yes. She had three of them. She was holding them in her hand.

Dad: I’ll have to ask her about that.

RJ: The policeman had to stop her.

RJ: You know… Some people are allowed to speed.

Dad: But not mummy, right?

RJ: No way. Racecar drivers can though. They can go as fast as they like. If a policeman stops a racecar driver he would just say “But I’m a racecar driver,” and then the policeman would say, “Oh, you have to go fast all the time, so it’s okay. Have a nice day!”

(in the car, on the way home from school)

RJ: (holding plastic box to his ear) Hello, mum?
…
RJ: Yes. What are you doing?
…
RJ: Making dinner? … Mmmm. That sounds great. We’re going to be home soon.
…
RJ: Oh… What? Hang on… What?

(suddenly yelling) WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU WELL.
…
RJ: IT’S A PROBLEM. A MOUSE HAS CUT THE WIRE! I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

(in the car, on the way to school)

RJ: Can I sing a song for you?

Dad: Sure RJ. Which one?

RJ: Puff the magic whale. It’s like the other song but it has different words.

Dad: Go ahead mate.

RJ: He was stuck by the sea, and he had to dig a hole… a BIG one. It was whale shaped. Then he got back to the ocean.

Dad: Okay. You can sing it now.

RJ: (singing)
Puff the magic whale,
lived in the sea.
And chased some fish
and other things.
And splashed them with his tail! Oh!
Puff, the magic whale….

(He continued on with a bit about pirates and lots more splashing. It got decidedly weird when it transitioned into Puff the Magic Sunscreen… )

RJ: Mum says I can go swimming with the whale sharks.

Dad: Okay then. We might have to wait a while to get there.

RJ: Yes. I am a good swimmer now. I’m very fast.

Dad: That would be lots of fun.

RJ: And there will be a great white shark there too.

Dad: Uh oh. Not good. Wouldn’t he eat you?

RJ: No. I’m bringing my toy one. He wants to meet the whale sharks too. But I need help.

Dad: What kind of help?

RJ: I need to make a rope so he can swim along with me. Let’s try with paper and some tape.