Crumpled Home

(driving in the car)

RJ: I know the WORST place to get sunburned. Do you know it, Dad?

Dad: I can think of a few places that would be pretty terrible. Where do you think?

RJ: The second worst place is…  In… Your… Armpits… The skin is so thin there, and you’re always moving it. It would be TERRIBLE!

Dad: I totally agree!

RJ: I know. In the olden days, they just wore singlets and they would get burned there all the time. One day the king said, “Enough! I hate having sunburned armpits!” and so someone invented a t-shirt. The king had a big celebration and it wasn’t a problem any more.

Dad: Cool! I didn’t know that… You said that’s the second worst place to get burned. What’s the actual WORST place?

RJ: Oh, easy. Sunburn on your brain is definitely the worst place… but you can only get that if you’re a zombie. Don’t worry about it.

(While in the car, a strange moaning sound starts from the back seat…)

Dad: Ummm… RJ, Are you okay?

RJ: Woooooohhoooaaahhhhhhhhh….

Dad: That doesn’t sound good. RJ? Is there a problem?

RJ: Yeeeahhhhsssss… But RJ is gooooone. There is only RJ’s ghooooost…

Dad: Oh no. What happened?

RJ: RJ is deaaaaaaaad. DEAAAAAAD!

Dad: What!? He was fine a minute ago, what happened?

RJ: The lollypop… THE LOLLYPOP… THE LOLLYPOP WAS POISONED!

Dad: Disaster! Treachery! Who would be so evil to have done such a foul deed?

RJ: It was… Daaaaaarth Vaaaaaader!!! He poisoned the lollypop with deadly bacteria-aaaah.

Dad: That’s some fast acting bacteria. I hope none of the other kids got those lollypops.

RJ: They did! They’re all dead too! But it’s okay because now we’re all ghosts and we don’t have to do swimming lessons any mooooooooooore.

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!!  CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!

(while driving, in France)

Dad: After a long, long day, we’ve finally returned to the quiet streets of Balma!

(giggling erupts from the back seat)

Mom: The farmers’ market is open again tomorrow. We’ll have to stop by and pick a few things up.

Dad: That was on the main street of Balma, right?

(huge amounts of giggling from the back seat)

Dad: I wonder why they called it Balma, anyway?

(peals of uncontrollable laughter burst from the kids)

Dad: What!? What is so funny back there?

LR: Well… RJ says that Balma…

RJ: Aaaaah!! You just said it!

LR: … is a very, VERY rude word in French.

(while driving)

Dad: (quietly to Mom) What’s he doing now?

Mom: (looking into the back seat) I… I think he’s pulling the legs off his squid?

Dad: He’s being really quiet. He’s really focused on it.

(a few minutes later)

RJ: Hey everyone! Look! LOOK!

RJ: (holds up toy squid by two remaining tentacles and dances it around) I’m Queen Elizabeth! I’m Queen Elizabeth!

(while driving)

RJ: You da man, Dad!

Dad: No! You da man, RJ!

RJ: No! I didn’t say that… I said, “You demon Dad!”

Dad: I’m a demon dad? What?

RJ: NO! NO! I didn’t say that either… I said, “You demanded!”

Dad: Oh well then… You demand demon da man, RJ!

(in the car)

RJ: I’ve got your drink, Dad, but I’ve closed the lid super tight.

Dad: That’s okay. I’m pretty strong. I’m sure I’ll get it open.

RJ: No. I don’t think so. It’s so tight that only the strongest man in the world can open it… and that’s not you.

Dad: So what can I do if I get thirsty?

RJ: Well… There is one way. I’ll tell you. You need the ‘Key to the Mists’.

Dad: Whoah. Where am I going to find that?

RJ: It’s protected at the end of a tunnel and the only way to get the key is to win a dance competition. You need to use your best moves…

RJ: Sorry Dad. You’ll never win.

(in the car)

RJ: (singing) Chikka-chakka-chikka-chukka cho… (continues for a minute)
RJ: Do you like my song?
Dad: Sure, but I don’t understand the words or what it’s about.
RJ: You don’t know the Chikka-chakka language?
Dad: Nope. It’s a bit sad really.
RJ: Ugh.. That’s terrible…
RJ: (a few moments later) (singing) Waa-waa-wee-ooo. Waaa… (continues for a minute)
RJ: How about that song?
Dad: Great one, but bad news… I didn’t understand that one either.
RJ: What!? You don’t understand Waa-wee language? That is ridiculous! What did they teach you in school?!
Dad: I guess it wasn’t a very good school.
RJ: Okay. One more try…
RJ: (singing) Mikka-mak, mikka-mak mooo! Mikka-mak, mikka-mak mooo-ooo-ooo! Mikka-mikka… (continues for ages)
Dad: That’s the best one yet, but you’ll have to explain it to me.
RJ: It’s a song about falling in love… with a beautiful girl.
Dad: It’s awesome. I’ll have to sing it to mum.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(in the car)

LR: I think maybe someday I would like to run a shop.

Dad: What kind of shop?

LR: I’m not sure.

Dad: Selling things that you like and know a lot about is a good idea.

LR: So maybe… horse things?

Dad: Sure. That could be a really useful place.

LR: But how does it work? Where do shops get the things to sell?

Dad: As a shop owner, you call up the people who make the stuff and you buy it from them. After you’ve got it in your shop, you put it on the shelves and sell it.

LR: But there’s a problem… How do you get money? If you sell something and get some money, then you have to buy something else to sell… You don’t have any money left over!

Dad: Good point, but there’s a trick to it. If you bought some riding boots for $10, you could sell them in your shop for more than that… for $20. You get to keep the extra.

LR: There’s another problem right there.

Dad: What do you mean?

LR: No one is going to buy boots for $20!

Dad: You might have to sell them for less than that, then.

LR: No. We have to sell them for more… We just need to have some ads to make them want to buy them.

(in the car)

RJ: Make sure you’re not speeding, Daddy.

Dad: No problem. I’m definitely not speeding.

RJ: Mum got a speeding ticket you know.

Dad: (curiously) Really? She didn’t mention that to me.

RJ: Yes. She had three of them. She was holding them in her hand.

Dad: I’ll have to ask her about that.

RJ: The policeman had to stop her.

RJ: You know… Some people are allowed to speed.

Dad: But not mummy, right?

RJ: No way. Racecar drivers can though. They can go as fast as they like. If a policeman stops a racecar driver he would just say “But I’m a racecar driver,” and then the policeman would say, “Oh, you have to go fast all the time, so it’s okay. Have a nice day!”