Crumpled Home

(while eating lunch)

Teacher: Hi RJ! We’re going to be talking about paint today and where it comes from. Do you have any ideas on how to make paint?

RJ: (nonchalantly) Oh yeah. You just need some eye dust and then some blood and then you mix it together and put it all over your hands and you can make handprints.

Teacher: So what colour would that paint be?

RJ: Red… Dark red.

Teacher: That’s a pretty good idea. What about if you wanted some other colour though?

RJ: (thinking) Hmm…

RJ: You just need different coloured eye dust!

Teacher: But where do you get coloured eye dust from?

RJ: Easy! From eyeballs… from dead people!

(while attempting to cut nails)

Dad: That’s your hands… Time for your toenails.

RJ: (curls into a ball) I have no feet or hands. I am a boulder!

Dad: … Uhhh… Okay… Then how did you get here?

RJ: In a paper bag — a party bag. Someone left me here.

(while washing hands before dinner)

RJ: How do you get tapeworms?

Dad: From eating tapeworm eggs. They hatch in your intestines and the tapeworms start living there. That’s one reason why we wash hands before we eat.

RJ: Where do you get tapeworm eggs from?

Dad: They’re in poo from a person or animal that has tapeworms. If it gets on your shoes, or someone else doesn’t wash their hands properly they can get transferred around. If they end up on your hands and you get them in your food, you get tapeworms.

RJ: So when the eggs that go in the toilet hatch, way down in the drains, the tapeworms must be saying, “Oh help! Where am I? This is not right!? Oh no! This is not the right place!”