Crumpled Home

Yesterday afternoon, while building a new raised planter box for an extension to the veggie patch, RJ and LR came out to help. Putting on my “Responsible Father” hat, I decided against letting them carve up the planks of wood with the  saw. Determined to help do something, they chose to attack the rose bushes with the hedge trimmers.

This wasn’t a problem — the roses are scheduled to be deleted sometime soon when Mum reformats the gardens. To give the kids some purpose, I suggested we try to make perfume or rosewater out of the rose blooms. “Great,” they said, and asked how to make it.

I managed to describe the processes while trying to sink the posts for the garden bed without destroying the incredibly convoluted system of pipes and tubes that make up our irrigation system. LR picked rosewater and immediately ran off and got to work. RJ decided to make perfume, and then asked where he could get alcohol.

(out in our fairly small back yard, neighbours just a few metres away in all directions)

RJ: Can you get me some alcohol?

Dad: I need to finish this bit of the project, RJ. I can’t help you right now.

RJ: (getting upset) But I need it now. I need to make perfume.

Dad: I understand. You really want to get started, but I can’t help yet. You have to wait.

(this repeats a few times as RJ gets more and more upset)

RJ: (angry and screaming) I NEED ALCOHOL. YOU NEED TO GIVE ME ALCOHOL NOW!

Dad: No! No alcohol for you until later!

RJ: (at the top of his lungs) I WONT WAIT! GIVE ME SOME ALCOHOL! I NEED ALCOHOL.

(this repeats a few more times and eventually he breaks down into tears)

RJ: (sobbing, yet still somehow very loud) Please daddy, please get me some alcohol. I only need a little bit.

I’m just waiting for a knock on the door from family services… They’ll probably be taking my “Responsible Father” hat with them.

(at the Western Australian Museum)

RJ: I want one of those. It would make a good pet.

Dad: A carnotaur? I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

RJ: No. A hypsilophodon. We could keep it in the back yard.

Dad: That’d be fun. It would probably eat some of the plants in mum’s veggie patch, though.

RJ: Maybe we should get two then.

The garden has been doing fantastically. Lots of veggies and fresh greens have been rocketing up out of the ground. Mum and the kids spend a bit of time out there each week to hunt caterpillars, snails and the other evil creatures that want to share our meals with us.

Mum has been finding really interesting plants to grow in there too. Last year’s big hit was the purple carrots — apparently quite popular amongst preschoolers. This year, we have beetroot (aka. beets), but something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

They're beets, Jim, but not as we know it.

Great colours, but will the kids eat them?

(Dad & LR adding location ‘Pins’ in Google Earth)

Dad: Okay, so here’s our house. I’ll add a marker here.

LR: Good. Now make it green.

Dad: Goodbye yellow marker!

LR: Great. But I think we have to go out front and check the front garden.

Dad: Huh? What for?

LR: Because there’s a giant green pin out there.
I hope we didn’t hit the swing set.