Crumpled Home

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

This is the tale of a lizard, a fairly ordinary garden skink, just 2 or 3 inches long. The lizard had been living a quiet happy life, basking in the sunshine, chewing on the occasional millipede, doing lizardy things with his buddies. He had dreams of a long life filled with sunshine and tasty insects, but there was a problem with his plans. He chose to live out his days in a schoolyard; a schoolyard that included several precocious young children with very quick hands.

On its own this may not have been a problem, but these kids were quite young and not always as aware of their strength as they might be, especially when weighed on the scale of a lizard. One afternoon, the lizard was caught by one of RJ’s friends and as he attempted to wriggle his way to freedom he was… squeezed.

Now most parts of a lizard are probably reasonably squishy and flexible, so this might not have been a problem, except that the child had the lizard by the head. Lizard heads are typically not so squishy and they contain a lot of things that are important to a lizard’s general success in life. The end result was an ejected eyeball, a small trickle of blood, and a rather unresponsive lizard.

Most children, after identifying that the essential essence of lizard had been released, would have abandoned him then and there but, as we know, RJ can rarely be classified in the group of “most children.”

RJ, moved by the lizard’s plight, rushed to the scene with an emergency response team and attempted to resuscitate the poor creature. No effort was spared. A sock was removed, moistened in the sparkling, clean waters of a nearby drinking fountain to clean the lizards wounds. An empty lunchbox was brought forward, complete with a selection of different food scraps and a piece of bark for shelter. Gentle soothing words of comfort were spoken, but to no avail. The lizard remained unresponsive.

RJ adjusts some things in Lizzy's aquarium so he can be more comfortable. A lizard has certain needs, apparently.

Undaunted, RJ remained convinced that “Thin Lizzy” just needed some time to recover and brought him home. The afternoon was filled with constructing an appropriate habitat, clean sand, bark, rocks and a delicious assortment of insects, millipedes and other arthropods — truly a delightful lizardy nirvana. It was surely just a matter of time before Lizzy recovered. At the end of the day, RJ carefully placed Lizzy on a warm rock and left him for the night.

The first thing the next morning, RJ rushed downstairs to check his patient… and… and… It was a miracle! Lizzy had moved during the night! He was now laying on his back beside the warm rock! Triumphant, RJ declared that Lizzy would be coming to school that day to show everyone the amazing recovery. Admittedly, Lizzy was still rather “lethargic” (some would say comatose or deceased). This fact was not lost on RJ. As he carefully placed Lizzy back up on the rock he announced that “Lizzy is just playing dead. He is really VERY good at it.”

Several times during the day, Lizzy would craftily bide his time until there were no observers and then scurry off around his enclosure, only to resume his dead lizard act when others showed up. RJ’s classmates were amazed, particularly by Lizzy’s unprecedented resolve to remain motionless in the face of close-proximity screams and prods with fingers. Lizzy returned home to continue his convalescence.

For the next few days, Lizzy was an ideal pet. He didn’t require a lot of attention (or food, water or air, for that matter). He kept within his enclosure without making any attempts to escape. He wasn’t even venomous, as many of our previous pets have been. If you look past a few highly unfortunate events, Lizzy really seemed to have a long, bright future ahead of him.

Despite how well he had integrated into our daily life, Lizzy’s tenure as RJ’s own personal pet was not long lived, and it really was his own fault. Three days later as the weather warmed up a bit, Lizzy learned a new trick. Not content with an occasional leap from his warm rock, he replaced his silent contentment with a new cry for help.

A terrible, foul, stinky cry for help.

Thin Lizzy moved out that afternoon. He lives across the street at the park now. We’re sure he’s happier over there.

Besides, RJ has some new pets now…

(to be continued)

(while at the park)

Heather: So are you and C. in the same class?

RJ: No, we’re not… Everyone knows about the mischief we get up to.

Heather: Ohhh really…

RJ: Yeah. We are just two dudes up to no good, and it’s on record.

Last weekend, LR competed in a diving competition. She was a bit worried because last time around, she didn’t do as well as she wanted to… This time was different…

LR brings all her skills from gymnastics and trampolining to diving.

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The good news is that November is over (and we’re exhausted). The bad news is that December is on the way, which is sure to be even busier!

This month we survived a bout of the plague, and went to the city to learn some new skills for Heritage Days. Dad got even older than he used to be and now he’s even older. We built our own shelter and enjoyed a terrific Thanksgiving dinner.

RJ suffered from a horrible bout of chicken pox for a day, but awoke the next morning completely spot free with no symptoms! Vaccine FTW!

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In October, we drove south to Eagle Bay with some friends for a few days, and north to Gingin for a weekend with Grammy and Poppa. RJ had his first t-ball game and… his team won! In the middle of all of this (and the Royal Show AND Halloween) we somehow found the time to visit Scitech with some friends to see some of their new exhibits. Wow! We need a break!

We took a trip down to Eagle Bay and had a great time in the water. It's a lot easier to do now that the weather's warming up!

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Another crazy month went by! This time around, Mom and LR got a thousand and one things done before they left for the USA, leaving Dad and RJ behind to survive on a steady diet of buttered toast and cereal. The cousins came over from Melbourne, and Grammy’s house STILL isn’t finished! Finally, RJ entertained an entire school with his own special moves during his class concert.

RJ's friend C visited for a sleepover. The next morning, the two of them insisted on pancakes, the internationally recognised breakfast of bloodthirsty pirates and fierce centurions.

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: I’ve figured it out, Dad.

Dad: What’s that?

RJ: A rat trap! We just need an apple and a large glass pot. We put it outside and when we see the rat go in, we put some paper over the top and he wont be able to get out! They don’t have hands!

Dad: Great idea, but why on Earth do we want to catch a rat?

RJ: Because Mom hates them… and…

Dad: And what?

RJ: My friend L. at school wants one… He really liked my baby rat in a jar.*

Dad: He wants a rat in a jar, too?

RJ: Yeah, but it’s okay. I’ll sell it to him, and maybe I can sell them to other people, too!

** A few weeks ago, RJ found a dead baby rat outside — probably one of Violet Miaowmix’s recent victims. It now sits in a place of honour on the shelf in his room, preserved in a (VERY WELL SEALED) jar full of alcohol.

Each year, we invite a few friends up to the farm at Gingin to celebrate the winter solstice. After spending the day pruning the fruit trees and tending to the orchard, we fire up the pizza oven and serve a nearly endless stream of delicious homemade pizzas. We follow up by lighting a huge bonfire to brighten things up through the long night. It’s heaps of fun (despite things often going awry because of rainy weather).

Citrus is in season at the moment, and the trees are totally loaded with fruit. LR gets to work picking some mandarins. Delicious!

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RJ’s birthday was loads of fun. After school, we gathered up most of his classmates and walked them to the park near our house, where we enjoyed fruit, snacks and cupcakes! We had a nice dinner and more cake that night with Grammy and Poppa. The next day, RJ invited two of his friends to go see a movie with us in the city. Happy birthday RJ!

RJ's favorite present was this jaw from a 10ft lemon shark.

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