Crumpled Home

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: If I had a choice between eating liver treats and a big bowl of Rice Bubbles… I think I’d go for the Rice Bubbles.

Dad: I think I’d agree. Besides, liver treats are just awful in milk.

LR: (giggles)

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being a rubbish man or building blocks for a job… I think I’d go for the blocks. Rubbish is just so stinky.

Dad: I agree there too.

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being attacked by scorpions, or eating a nice piece of cake… I think I’d go for the cake.

LR: (attempting to make it more challenging) And what about if you had to choose between being attacked by a lion or being attacked by –

RJ: (interrupting) a cuddly bilbi? I’ll take the bilbi!!!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, did you know that I’ll eat crustaceans now.

Mom: Really? That’s good.

RJ: And I’ll eat fish, birds and mammals, too.

Mom: Uh huh.

RJ: But I will NOT eat amphibians or reptiles, so don’t even go there.

(a sudden outburst while playing lego)

RJ: Cheese fans, don’t be surprised! The Age of Yellow Cheese is over! Welcome to the age of Digital Cheese… from Mars!

It’s so easy to bring with you! It just disappears! It’s very good if you’re on a diet.

If you think you’re eating the tastiest cheese in the world, you’re not. You need to try Digital Cheese… from Mars!

Dad: Umm, okay… I guess I’ll have a bit.

(Some great friends visited from the US. Among the many fantastic gifts they brought for us were six boxes of real Cheerios…)

Dad: So. What’s for breakfast this morning, guys? How about American Cheerios?

RJ: You’re saying it wrong.

Dad: (with mock American accent) Amerrrican Cheeeerrriowwws?

LR: Nope. You’re still saying it wrong.

Dad: (confused) What do you mean I’m saying it wrong?

RJ: There’s a Cheerio over the letter ‘i’. You’re not saying it.

LR: He’s right, Dad…  and I don’t think it’s a silent Cheerio.

Dad: Fair enough… Who wants American Cheeri-Cheerio-os?

LR & RJ: We do!

Random trivia…

We have nine dozen eggs in our fridge.

There is no adequate explanation. Soon, we will have all the eggs.

(while eating dinner)

RJ: (after carefully studying his plate for a minute, spears a mushroom on his fork and holds it up) Is this a safe one?

Mom: Yes. It’s definitely safe.

RJ: Well… How do you know?

Mom: Because we bought it at the shops and they only sell edible mushrooms there.

RJ: What kind is it?

Mom: It’s just a normal button mushroom. Eat it!

RJ: (quiet pause) Here Mum, just have a little bite. Tell me what you think.

Mom: No, RJ. I will not be your personal food tester. Five year olds aren’t at risk of assassination.

RJ: (turns to Dad) Dad?

Dad: (sighing) If I must…

(Dad puts the mushroom into his mouth, chews for a moment, then dramatically falls to the floor, clutching throat, moaning, gurgling and convulsing, then becomes still. RJ cheers and starts jumping on his back… until Dad gives in and returns to the table.)

Mom: RJ, sit down and EAT!

Mom: (turning to Dad) Nice example, honey.

Dad: I know, I know. Totally inappropriate… Parenting FAIL, but dramatic overacting WIN!

(while walking to lunch)

RJ: (excited) Dad. Stop here! I want to show you something!

Dad: Yeah? What’s up?

RJ: (pointing to ground) Right here. See? This metal plate. It’s a lid to something; you can open it!

Dad: Sure. I guess you could… but…

RJ: (starts struggling to lift heavy plate steel cover) Look! There are no nails or anything holding it down, you can just…

Dad: (worried about RJ’s fingers being crushed) Stop, RJ! Wait! Wait!… Arrgh… Okay, let me help.

(Dad decides it’s easier to help RJ lift the cover safely than to talk him out of it… revealing a dark hole filled with a crawling mass of hundreds of cockroaches and crickets, who decide to make a break for it out of the hole.)

RJ & Dad: ………. Yeeeaaarrrckk! …………..

(RJ wisely jumps back. Dad is left to slowly and carefully replace the heavy steel cover, while dodging the rush of panicked roaches that have decided his shoes would make a terrific new hiding place).

RJ: (freaking out) Dad! Who are we going to tell about this? What can we do?

Dad: What do you mean? It’s their home. They obviously love it there. We can just leave them alone.

RJ: (incredulous) Are you crazy, man?! They’ll keep growing in there and growing and growing! They’ll take over the whole city! All the shops! Everything!

Dad: RJ, calm down! Have a look over there — there’s another hole. I think I see one over there too and another over there. They’re all probably full of these guys, and they’ve been like this for ages.

RJ: This is a really big deal! I can’t believe you’re not doing anything!

Dad: It’s fine, mate. Really.

RJ: It is NOT fine! My favorite restaurant is right across the road!

Dad: All ready for T-Ball practice?

RJ: Yeah. I know how I can beat everyone at it too.

Dad: Really? How are you going to do that?

RJ: (rubbing hands and looking extremely mischievous) I have a secret weapon…

RJ: … I call it… Lunch.

LR: Do cats need to eat anything except meat?

Mom: Well, they’re obligate carnivores, which means they have to eat some meat to survive. They can’t process plants and get all the nutrients they need that way.

(RJ suddenly joins the conversation, hijacks it, and manages to drive it into the sun)

RJ: (speaking a mile a minute) Cats are carnivores. But do you know what? Dogs are carnivores too. They LOVE meat. They’ll eat meat all the time. Our dog, Scarlet? She loves to eat meat. She even loves hunting, especially around Easter time… She hunts rabbits.

(while eating dinner)

Mom: So RJ, what was your most favorite thing that you did today?

RJ: Well… I made some cheese! I took some flowers and some water and a bunch of string and mixed it all up in a cheesy way.

Dad: Whoah! What kind of crazy cheese is that?

LR: I know! String cheese!