Crumpled Home

RJ: I think I know why the wobbegongs are nearly extinct.

Dad: Yeah? Why?

RJ: Well. My hypothesis is that they were resting on the bottom of the ocean, just being happy and then the bad guys went swimming past, but they got too close and then one of the wobbegongs swam up and bit one of the bad guys. This made the bad guys REALLY mad, so they went and killed all the wobbegongs for revenge.

Dad: And that’s why there aren’t very many left?

RJ: Yep. You shouldn’t mess with the bad guys.

Dad: I’ll keep that in mind next time I see them swimming past.

(getting to bed after watching the movie Megamind)

Dad: Time to get to sleep, RJ… And by the way, we have a rule in this family:
You aren’t allowed to grow up to be an evil super-villain.

RJ: No Dad. That’s what you’re doing… After you’re done being a parent.

Dad: Shhhhh. That’s my secret plan.

RJ: Don’t worry. I won’t tell mum. She’d battle you and you’d probably end up dying.

Dad: I know. Shes always ruining my plans… Always.

RJ: Watch out, Dad. They’re all robots now.

Dad: Who’s that?

RJ: The spiders and insects… Even the scorpions. They’ve all been replaced by robots.

Dad: Let me guess. The bad guys have a plan to take over the world?

RJ: Yes, and it starts by replacing all the venomous creatures with robots.

RJ: … but not the lizards. They’re still on our side.

(while playing)

RJ: Look at this, Dad. I’ve got a great invention!

Dad: What is it?

RJ: It’s a ‘Head Box’. Guess what’s inside!

Dad: (feigning confusion) Umm… No idea.

RJ: (opens door and a head falls out) It’s got a head in it!

Dad: Yikes! What’s it for?

RJ: It’s great for when you need to get your heads delivered, but this one has a problem. It’s evil!

Dad: What do you mean?

RJ: Anyone who touches the head turns into someone else!

Dad: Whoah, that’s serious! … So what does a head box do if it doesn’t have the evil problem?

RJ: Well, then it’s just a bone box. You know, for delivering normal bones and stuff.

RJ: All bad guys have moustaches. It’s a rule.

Dad: Yeah? How does that work?

RJ: It’s easy. When you’re on the bad guy team, you’ve got to have a moustache.

Dad: So what happens if a new guy joins the team and they don’t have one yet?

RJ: They have to draw one on until his moustache grows.

Dad: Doesn’t it look a bit silly?

RJ: No. They have special moustache drawing pens.

(The next morning, we got up to find a four-year-old bad guy sitting in the kitchen wearing dark sunglasses and a very impressive black moustache and goatee drawn on in marker… RJ was nowhere to be seen.)

(a discussion after school)

RJ: Did you know that bad robots need bad batteries and bad switches?

Dad: No. I didn’t know that. So the bad batteries have bad power in them?

RJ: Yep. It’s what makes them so evil.

Dad: So… What if I put bad power in a good robot?

RJ: Not a good idea. He would just pull out his gun and shoot you.

Dad: Okay. I wont try that then. What if I put bad power into something safe, like a TV?

RJ: That’s the worst idea EVER.

Dad: Why? TV’s don’t have guns in them.

RJ: If you do that, the TV will explode… and then hundreds of tiny spider droids will come out and attack you. They’re really little.

Dad: Like microbots, or even smaller, like nanobots?

RJ: Nanobots. They try to get into your ears then your brain to kill you.

Dad: Can I just stomp on them?

RJ: Nope. They’re too tough — they’re made of metal!

Dad: What if I use a super strong magnet? Then they’ll be stuck to it.

RJ: Nope. They’re not made of iron. They use a different kind of metal.

Dad: Titanium or something?

RJ: Yep.

Dad: What if I sprayed them with acid?

RJ: Wont work.

Dad: Why not?

RJ: Because they have little sucker hoses that will clean it all up… then they empty it into the rubbish.

Dad: (thinking) Hmm…

Dad: … Got it! I’ve got electric shoes! When they try to crawl up my feet, they’ll get zapped and stop working!

RJ: …

RJ: … (thinking) …

RJ: (looks around) … But you’re not wearing shoes!!! You’re DEAD!

(While eating breakfast, RJ picks out a rice bubble/krispie and crushes it between his fingers)

RJ: (quietly to himself, daydreaming) My powers are strong… Mwaa haaa haaa…

(another bit of breakfast is crushed)

RJ: (louder) You can never defeat me. Mwaaa haaa haaa…

Dad: (interrupting) I hope you only use those powers for good, not evil.

RJ: (surprised) Oh! Well, sometimes good… sometimes evil…

Dad: Really? What kind of evil things?

RJ: I crush rocks… I crush certain rocks into poison.

Dad: Nasty! What do you do then?

RJ: I just mix it into people’s drinking water… but usually only the bad guys.

(during a mighty battle between Evil Dad and Good RJ)

Evil Dad: You’ll never get me. I’m going to destroy the world!

Good RJ: (putting headband on Evil Dad) The magic helmet changes you to the good side!

Good Dad: Hey. I feel like a good guy now. Let’s go destroy the bad guys!

Good RJ: Yes! But before I can trust you, you have to do something good.

Good Dad: Yes? What’s that?

Good RJ: (dramatically) You have to kill your evil mother.

Good Dad: What?! But I like her!

Good RJ: Sorry, but it’s the only way to know that you’re really good.

Good Dad: That’s terrible!

Good RJ: Okay. Maybe you can kill your evil father instead.

Good Dad: I… I still don’t want to. He taught me all my evil tricks.

Good RJ: (sighing) Okay. Maybe just one of your evil friends. How about Mr Poison Toadstool?

Good Dad: Okay… I guess.

Good RJ: You can use my super gun. It shoots saucepans that fly out and hit people, then turn into fighting robots.

Good Dad: AWESOME!

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: (Pokes spoon between Dad’s fingers and starts twisting… Twist… twist…)

Dad: (Ignores him)

RJ: (Continues with the next gap between fingers… Twist… twist…)

Dad: RJ. What are you doing???

RJ: I’m taking you apart. I have to remove your fingers first.

Dad: What!? Why are you taking me apart? What did I do?

RJ: I created you, so I can take you apart.

Dad: Am I a robot or something?

RJ: Yes. I created you, but you turned out evil. I have to take you apart and rebuild you.

Dad: I hope you get it right this time.

(getting ready to go to swimming class)

Dad: Hey RJ. I have an idea. How about you go to the bathroom before we go to swimming?

RJ: Bad idea.

Dad: Bad? Why’s that?

RJ: Because it’s your idea.

Dad: But why is my idea bad? Are they all bad?

RJ: Yes, they’re all bad… Bad because … Because they’re part of your plans… Your evil plans… Your evil, evil plans.

(Uh oh… Looks like he’s on to me!)