Crumpled Home

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Can I have some more lamb, please?

Mom: Eat some salad first. You haven’t even eaten any pine nuts, and you love those.

RJ: I can’t eat that!

Mom: Why not?

RJ: Because that pine nut is the God of Victory! I’m still praying to him.

Mom: Well you’re not getting anything else to eat until you eat those.

LR: Don’t worry about that one, RJ, there’s about twenty more gods on your plate right there… I’ve eaten all the gods on my plate, and they were great!

Dad: So what have your gods done for you lately, RJ?

RJ: Well… They helped me at the beach today?

Dad: Really? How?

RJ: I didn’t get eaten by a shark! They kept all the sharks away.

Dad: Good point. I guess they kept all the thunderstorms and earthquakes away too.

RJ: (Bows head and prays to the pine nut). Yep. They’re powerful and delicious. (chomp)

(while eating breakfast)

Mom: RJ, you can’t eat the last half of the baguette by yourself.

RJ: But I’m really hungry!

Dad: RJ! You have to share it.  Take a smaller piece and leave the big piece alone.

RJ: (in a low, growling voice) If it’s on the plate of eating, it will be devoured.

LR: Do cats need to eat anything except meat?

Mom: Well, they’re obligate carnivores, which means they have to eat some meat to survive. They can’t process plants and get all the nutrients they need that way.

(RJ suddenly joins the conversation, hijacks it, and manages to drive it into the sun)

RJ: (speaking a mile a minute) Cats are carnivores. But do you know what? Dogs are carnivores too. They LOVE meat. They’ll eat meat all the time. Our dog, Scarlet? She loves to eat meat. She even loves hunting, especially around Easter time… She hunts rabbits.

(while eating breakfast, the cat is sitting on the chair in front of the kitchen computer)

RJ: No kitty. No more searching…  Dad! She’s typing into Google again!

Dad: What? What is she searching for now?

RJ: “Will… I… catch… a… bird… today?” Uggh! Kitty! You’re not an outside cat!

Dad: Bad cat! No more Google for you!

RJ: Do you know what is really bad? I saw her watching Youtube last night. She was watching videos about catching birds.

Dad: That cat has no shame!

RJ: I know! And then she went on wikipedia and was searching for endangered species!

Dad: I never thought it would come to this… I guess it’s time to change the password.

RJ: Pick something harder this time.

(while cooking dinner at Rottnest)

RJ: (grabs a piece of uncooked spaghetti) Hey Dad. (crunch, crunch) What does this sound like? (crunch, crunch, crunch)

Dad: I dunno… Crunching?

RJ: Yes, but crunching what?

Dad: Umm… Crunching sticks? Bones?

RJ: Good… gooooood…

RJ: (grabs nearly-empty packet of uncooked spaghetti) Can I have these bits of pasta?

Dad: Sure thing. What for?

RJ: A secret project…

(5 minutes later while carrying dinner to a friend’s at Rottnest, RJ runs off into a dark alleyway.)

Dad: RJ! Come back!

RJ: (Silence…)

Dad: RJ! This stuff is hot and heavy and I don’t want to drop it. I need you to come back RIGHT NOW.

RJ: (Distant crunching noises… then a sudden explosion of rustling and snapping leaves and twigs) YEAH HAAAHAAHAA! IT WORKS!

RJ: (Excitedly runs around the corner) It works! It works!!!

Dad: What? What works?

RJ: The quokkas are terrified of me! Especially when I run up and make bone crunching noises at them!

RJ: (Triumphant) They think I’m a predator!

(while sitting down for dinner at a restaurant)

RJ: This place smells like crap!

Mom: (horrified) RJ! Don’t say things like that! That’s terrible!

RJ: But it does! It really smells like crap!

Mom: It doesn’t matter. It’s not polite and that’s a terrible word to use. I don’t want you to speak like that and definitely not about someone else’s place.

RJ: (hurt, confused) But… but… It does! They’re eating it for dinner over there! (points to neighbouring table)

(The people at the adjacent table happily dig into their meal, including several crabs.)

Mom: Sorry RJ. You’re right. This place does smell like crab.

(while eating dinner)

RJ: I don’t like the vegetables, but I will eat ALL my rice.

LR: Rice is a vegetable, RJ!

RJ: No it’s not. It’s a grain. It’s a seed!

A big couple of weekends… Mum took LR and her best friend to go and see the stage performance of Mamma Mia, RJ and Dad spent the day building projects and eating sushi, RJ catches a birthday party with his friend C., and Dad took RJ and LR off to the aquarium!

LR and I. are SUPER excited to be seeing the live performance of Mamma Mia!

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(An unfortunately chirpy RJ appears at the counter ready for breakfast, with a dinosaur entourage.)

Dad: (blearily rubbing eyes) What is this? RJ and the breakfast full of dinosaurs?… Okay, what do you want to eat?

RJ: This dinosaur wants flies. You’d better get to work; they’re hard to catch and he needs a lot of them.

Dad: Okay. I’ll see what I can do. How about the others?

RJ: Meat. Lots of meat.

Dad: And you?

RJ: Just rice bubbles…

(half an hour later, RJ wanders past, arms still full of dinosaurs)

Dad: RJ, wouldn’t it be easier to carry them in something? A bag or a basket or something?

RJ: (yelling back) No! I don’t need to. They all get around on rocket boosters.

Dad: Wow! That’s so cool. Dinosaurs with rocket boosters.

RJ: No. It’s not really great, because they don’t have legs. That’s why they had the rocket boosters put on.