(during a family lunch with everyone sitting at the dinner table)
Poppa: So does anyone want to get up and fetch me a glass of water?
(no volunteers)
Poppa: (gets up and walks into the kitchen) I guess I’ll get it myself.
LR: (with mock dismay) How come Poppa has to do all of the work around here?
(at the dinner table)
Dad: So what happened at your school today, RJ?
RJ: I took my whip scorpion into school and showed it to everybody.
Dad: Great! Did you teach the class all about them?
RJ: Yep! But it was terrible. No one asked any questions! … except for Harry.
Dad: What did he ask?
RJ: He asked if whip scorpions lived in England and I told him, “NO! They only live in Perth. There are lots of them and live in the roof of your house.”
We’re expecting the phone calls from the other parents to start any day now…
Your child is having nightmares about giant insects living in your roof?
What a surprise!”
(while eating breakfast)
LR & RJ: (singing) Five little ducks went out one day,
Over the hills and far away…
Mother duck said, ‘Quack, quack, quack, quack,’
But only four little ducks came back…LR & RJ: Four little ducks went…
LR & RJ: Three little ducks…
LR & RJ: Two little…
LR & RJ: One…
LR & RJ: No little ducks went out one day,
Over the hills and far away…
Mother duck said, ‘Quack, quack, quack, quack,’
But only a fat little snake came back…LR: It was listening for the quacking noises.
RJ: And it ate ALL of them, even the mother.
RJ: I want some medicine too!
Dad: What’s that RJ? Medicine?
RJ: Yeah. I want some deer medicine too.
Dad: Do you mean… venison?
RJ: YEAH!
(in the car, on the way home from school)
RJ: (holding plastic box to his ear) Hello, mum?
…
RJ: Yes. What are you doing?
…
RJ: Making dinner? … Mmmm. That sounds great. We’re going to be home soon.
…
RJ: Oh… What? Hang on… What?(suddenly yelling) WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU WELL.
…
RJ: IT’S A PROBLEM. A MOUSE HAS CUT THE WIRE! I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
(after delivering bowls of rice pudding covered in fresh raspberry sauce)
Dad: (whispering to RJ) I think it’s monkey brains.
RJ: (whispering) No. It’s not.
(a few minutes later)
RJ: (yelling) It’s Santa brains!!!
Dad: But doesn’t Santa need them?
LR: Naah. He’s done that trip so many times, he doesn’t need brains to know where to go.
RJ: He’s so good, he doesn’t need them, and we get to eat them up!
Mum went off to camp to visit LR for the evening. RJ and I had a big afternoon playing secret agents, jumping on the trampoline, mucking about at the beach and having getting dinner at a restaurant.
Towards the end of the meal, RJ grabbed the drinks menu, opened it and started reading.
RJ: Hmmm… Look at that…
… That’s interesting.
… Wow. I didn’t know that!
Dad: RJ. What are you reading???
RJ: This magazine. They left it here for us.
Dad: What is it about?
RJ: All sorts of things. There is a story about a party that they had.
Dad: What kind of party?
RJ: Just a birthday party. It’s not very interesting.
Dad: Is there an interesting story in there?
RJ: Yes. It’s about dragons.
Dad: Cool. What does it say?
RJ: Dragons have enormous teeth and a big tail. Some of them live in the ocean. They have very sharp teeth and they eat meat… but not people meat.
Dad: What kind of meat do they eat?
RJ: Oh you know, sheep, cows and horses and stuff.
Dad: Anything else about dragons in there?
RJ: They have a picture of a knight who had to kill a dragon. It was very dangerous, but he had a sword and shield with him.
Dad: Why did he have to kill the dragon?
RJ: The king told him to. It was eating all the sheep and making the people mad. (goes back to reading the menu)
Dad: … Anything else in there?
RJ: No. That’s the end.
RJ can tell you a thing or two about dragons.
(while preparing dinner)
Dad: Okay. Let’s add some peas! Everyone loves peas!
RJ: No! No peas. We can’t do peas.
Dad: Why not?
RJ: They’ll make me turn green.
Dad: That’s okay, I’ll just rinse you off in the shower.
RJ: That wont work. The green will be… under… my… skin…
(over dinner)
RJ: Can I have some more juice?
Dad: Sure, but there’s a new rule.
RJ: What’s that?
Dad: You can’t dip your chips in it any more. No dipping your food in your drink at dinner time.
RJ: That’s not a good rule!
Dad: Why not? No one else needs to dip their dinner in their drink.
RJ: (frustrated) Because… well… Argghh! (dramatically throws up hands) It’s just what I do!!!
…
Mum: You can still dip the carrot sticks if you want.
(at the dinner table)
RJ: I’m drinking fly blood. Arrgggllugluglugluglugllugl. (starts gargling milk)
Dad & Mum: RJ! Stop that! No gargling at the dinner table!
RJ: (craftily) I love drinking fly blood. I’m a spider. (starts making motions to begin gargling again)
Dad: Watch it spider, or I’ll turn your fly blood into… moo juice.
RJ: (angry, yelling) THERE IS NO SUCH THING! THERE IS NO MOO JUICE!
More fly blood please!
