Crumpled Home » Dad

Respect my authorit… Oh nevermind…

Luke — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:07:24 +0000

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!! CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!

Nuts about religion

Luke — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:07:05 +0000

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Can I have some more lamb, please?

Mom: Eat some salad first. You haven’t even eaten any pine nuts, and you love those.

RJ: I can’t eat that!

Mom: Why not?

RJ: Because that pine nut is the God of Victory! I’m still praying to him.

Mom: Well you’re not getting anything else to eat until you eat those.

LR: Don’t worry about that one, RJ, there’s about twenty more gods on your plate right there… I’ve eaten all the gods on my plate, and they were great!

Dad: So what have your gods done for you lately, RJ?

RJ: Well… They helped me at the beach today?

Dad: Really? How?

RJ: I didn’t get eaten by a shark! They kept all the sharks away.

Dad: Good point. I guess they kept all the thunderstorms and earthquakes away too.

RJ: (Bows head and prays to the pine nut). Yep. They’re powerful and delicious. (chomp)

Transmogrification (without the tiger)

Luke — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:07:27 +0000

RJ: Dad, if LR comes back from camp with four legs, big marshmallow lips and a mane and a tale and hooves, do we have to keep her?

Dad: I’m not sure RJ. If she can talk, I think we have to.

RJ: She wont be able to talk, Dad. She’s a horse.

Dad: A horse could be kind of useful. Do you think she could make it up the stairs to her room?

RJ: No way!

Dad: I guess she could stay in the backyard. Mom would be pretty upset if we got rid of her.

RJ: It just wouldn’t work. She would eat all the plants and wouldn’t be able to do her jobs around the house. She’d have to go.

Dad: I guess you’re right. Oh well, I’ll miss her.

Redefining mommy blogging

Luke — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:07:54 +0000

(while eating breakfast)

LR: I’m doing a new post on my blog about the cathedrals in France.

Dad: Sounds like a great idea! Do you think you’ll ever run out of things to put on it?

LR: Not really. I can always just make up stuff. No one on the internet really knows the truth.

RJ: You know, LR. If you were two thousand years old and you had a blog, you could write lots of stories about your mummy friends and all the things that they’re doing these days.

Dad: Mummy blogging? Wouldn’t that be kind of boring? “Just another day, hanging out at the museum….”, “Well, I’m thinking of repainting the tomb…”, “I found this great sarcophagus the other day”…

RJ: Yeah, but the stories about the crazy one that escaped and is hunting everyone would be REALLY exciting.

Future untapped markets

Luke — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:07:04 +0000

RJ: (sighing) I’m going to be so busy when I grow up.

Dad: Really? What are you going to be doing?

RJ: You know!!!

Dad: (uncertain) Yeah, but… which job? You’ve told me a few.

RJ: I’m going to be a warrior and fight monsters!

Dad: Oh yeah! So there will be a lot of demand for warriors and monster hunters in the future?

RJ: Definitely.

Dad: In that case, there should be good money in it for you. How much do monster hunters get paid?

RJ: Oh about a thousand dollars…

Dad: For each monster? Hmm… I thought it would be more than that.

RJ: No. But it is really great when you find a whole nest of them.

December 2011, Photo Wrap-Up

Luke — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:07:47 +0000

With a huge overseas vacation looming, the first half of December was filled with the last days of the school year, some early Christmas celebrations… and a lot of silly hats.

December means the Advent calendar gets brought out. We like to pretend the kids appreciate the tradition and fun puzzles and clues that we leave in there for them...

It's RJ's job to read the clues this year. LR was surprisingly patient.

Oh no! The end-of-year music "party" turns out to be an impromptu concert and no one will volunteer to go first. RJ steps up and breaks the ice with a few of his favorites.

Three songs later, RJ has the room in stitches, finishing his performance with a flourish in classic RJ style.

LR volunteers to play a few of her favorite songs too. Beethoven FTW!

LR won one of the three coveted prizes for the students who improved the most during the year. Well done, LR! You deserve it!

The last game of the year (but not the season). RJ's teeball skills (and patience with fielding) are improving with every game.

Everyone works together building the gingerbread house. For some reason, only about half the materials make it into the construction -- there must be some dodgy contractors on the worksite.

Nice work guys! The finished gingerbread house looks terrific!

Because we went away for Christmas, we had an early Christmas dinner at Grammy and Poppa's.

LR takes the time to read the cards before tearing into the presents.

Thanks Grammy!

Careful there Auntie Jess. It's not safe to get between RJ and his Hero Factory legos. Just carefully put it back on the table and you'll be okay.

Parental win: the kids actually remembered their manners without prompting this year! Now if only we could get them to stop picking their noses.

Christmas dinner. A time for family, a huge feast, and the opportunity to wear ridiculous things on your head...

RJ got first pick of the hats and picked out the crustacean for himself and a spicy little number for Grandma Dot.

LR picks out her favorite, complete with spring-loaded pom-pom action -- essential for tormenting younger brothers.

Everyone helps out during the final rush to the kitchen, delivering the food to the table.

Crumbly destruction and delicious, sugary mahem ensue as the gingerbread house is attacked!

An important lesson learned... Never, EVER let the kids pick the hat for you or you will end up looking silly.

Unsuspecting father mugg(l)ed by children

Luke — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 03:07:10 +0000

We’ve been reading Harry Potter before bedtime.

(while playing together)

RJ: Harry Potter is really good, isn’t it.

LR: Yeah. I didn’t like it for a long time, because everyone else was so crazy about it, but I like it now.

…

RJ: Dad thinks he’s a wizard, doesn’t he.

LR: Yeah, but he’s really just a muggle!

(both kids burst out laughing)

General naming conventions

Luke — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 03:07:30 +0000

(while walking around in France)

Dad: So I guess if you were attacking a castle, it was pretty important to have an impressive name.

RJ: If you were attacking, Dad, I know what you’d be called.

Dad: Yeah? What’s that.

RJ: Oscar… Oscar the Dangerous Chicken.

Dad: Hmmm… Really? I’m sure it would be something way more scary… Something like Draco the Savage.

RJ: No. Definitely Oscar the Dangerous Chicken… But you have a friend who travels around with you and helps you.

Dad: You mean a sidekick?

RJ: Yes! Your sidekick is a thumb, just a thumb and no hand or fingers… He’s called Thimbric the Terrible.

Dad: He’s got a better name than I do! Oscar the Dangerous Chicken… That’s just silly!

RJ: I could change it… Something MUCH better… Hmmmm… I know!

RJ: Your new name is Oscar the Romantic Fridge Magnet!

Dad: Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!!

Handy hints for exhibitionists

Luke — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:07:09 +0000

(while getting ready for bed)

RJ: You know that dead hand that we saw today, the real live one at the museum?

Dad: You mean the mummified dead hand?

RJ: Yeah, that one. They wouldn’t have that at the Perth museum.

Dad: Probably not, but what makes you say that?

RJ: They would only have a model. They only ever have models at the Perth museum. They never have real ones of the good things.

Hush your mouth!

Luke — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 03:07:05 +0000

(while driving, in France)

Dad: After a long, long day, we’ve finally returned to the quiet streets of Balma!

(giggling erupts from the back seat)

Mom: The farmers’ market is open again tomorrow. We’ll have to stop by and pick a few things up.

Dad: That was on the main street of Balma, right?

(huge amounts of giggling from the back seat)

Dad: I wonder why they called it Balma, anyway?

(peals of uncontrollable laughter burst from the kids)

Dad: What!? What is so funny back there?

LR: Well… RJ says that Balma…

RJ: Aaaaah!! You just said it!

LR: … is a very, VERY rude word in French.