Crumpled Home » Dad

Larvae and the people that love them

Luke — Tue, 22 May 2012 03:07:37 +0000

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

The wanting comes in waves

Luke — Wed, 16 May 2012 03:07:41 +0000

(RJ helped sell some things on ebay, and in exchange was allowed to buy something for himself… Instead of getting an actual bird skeleton, something that he’s wanted for a while, he settled for a metal bird-skull on a chain.)

RJ: I can’t believe it! It’s finally here! It took two whole weeks!

Dad: It actually looks good, too. Solid.

RJ: I know! It’s really pretty cool. I think it’ll be pretty popular at school. I bet everyone will want to check it out. That will last about a week, maybe ten days. Then it will be a bit boring again. After that, you know, something else will be cool and who knows what that will be.

RJ feeling just a little bit gansta: Bird skull necklace, hoodie, and random pair of sunglasses that he found.

Office mediated apoptosis

Luke — Wed, 09 May 2012 03:07:36 +0000

(At the end of a long day)

Dad: You look worn out. Long day?

Mom: Yeah. Exhausted.

RJ: Poor Mum. She always works so hard.

Mom: I need a job where I’m not at a computer all day. It’s soul destroying.

RJ: (suddenly REALLY interested / concerned) Cell destroying!!? How does that work? Do they get exploded?

Timeshares not available

Luke — Fri, 04 May 2012 03:07:28 +0000

(RJ wanders past, arms full of ‘stuff’)

Dad: Umm… RJ, doesn’t that all belong outside?

RJ: Oh yeah, Dad. I’m just moving it in here for a couple of minutes.

I’m sensible, you know! A man with his own brain.

You take your lumps

Luke — Thu, 03 May 2012 03:07:58 +0000

(High velocity RJ tears past the kitchen, then suddenly stops with a concerned look on his face.)

RJ: Dad! I have a question and it’s really important!

Dad: Okay. What is it?

RJ: Can warts grow in your mouth?

Dad: Ummm… Maybe, but I really don’t think so. There are other kind of bumps and things that you can get, but probably not warts.

RJ: Oh. Okay. Well I have a lump and it just keeps getting bigger.

Dad: (concerned) Well perhaps we’ll take a loo-..

RJ: (sticking finger in mouth) Issssss riiigh baaa heeeeeaaa and-. HEY! IT’S A TOOTH! THANKS DAD!

(RJ resumes his trajectory and zooms out of the room.)

Let’s not overthink this

Luke — Tue, 01 May 2012 03:07:47 +0000

(moments after finishing breakfast)

LR: Wait! Dad! Don’t clean up yet! This is important!

(RJ and LR turn away for a moment, then turn back… with spoons on their noses.)

LR & RJ: (in unison) It’s SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Brilliant!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Amazing!

RJ: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Terrific!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Stupdendous!

RJ: Now hand over your knickers!!!!

And a moment later, it was off to the lab for some more experiments.

It’s the pits

Luke — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 03:07:44 +0000

(driving in the car)

RJ: I know the WORST place to get sunburned. Do you know it, Dad?

Dad: I can think of a few places that would be pretty terrible. Where do you think?

RJ: The second worst place is… In… Your… Armpits… The skin is so thin there, and you’re always moving it. It would be TERRIBLE!

Dad: I totally agree!

RJ: I know. In the olden days, they just wore singlets and they would get burned there all the time. One day the king said, “Enough! I hate having sunburned armpits!” and so someone invented a t-shirt. The king had a big celebration and it wasn’t a problem any more.

Dad: Cool! I didn’t know that… You said that’s the second worst place to get burned. What’s the actual WORST place?

RJ: Oh, easy. Sunburn on your brain is definitely the worst place… but you can only get that if you’re a zombie. Don’t worry about it.

Decisions, decisions

Luke — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 03:07:04 +0000

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: If I had a choice between eating liver treats and a big bowl of Rice Bubbles… I think I’d go for the Rice Bubbles.

Dad: I think I’d agree. Besides, liver treats are just awful in milk.

LR: (giggles)

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being a rubbish man or building blocks for a job… I think I’d go for the blocks. Rubbish is just so stinky.

Dad: I agree there too.

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being attacked by scorpions, or eating a nice piece of cake… I think I’d go for the cake.

LR: (attempting to make it more challenging) And what about if you had to choose between being attacked by a lion or being attacked by –

RJ: (interrupting) a cuddly bilbi? I’ll take the bilbi!!!

Sarcasm doesn’t become you

Luke — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 03:07:41 +0000

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom let me get a comic from the box without doing anything extra.

Dad: Well I’m not Mum. You only have to do two thank-you cards to get one.

RJ: So tomorrow I’ll just sit down and then I’ll do two whole cards and then I’ll go and get a comic.

Dad: Yep. I’m glad you understand and you’re not complaining about it.

RJ: (grumpily) Hmmph. That was NOT enthusiasm, Dad.

What were the skies like when you were young?

Luke — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 03:07:19 +0000

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, does the wind suck the colour out of the world during the night?

Mom: Well, no. But that’s a really poetic way of looking at things. Why do you ask?

RJ: No reason.

(while getting into bed)

Dad: Hey RJ, why were you asking about colours during dinner?

RJ: Well, one night, I left a poster that I coloured in next to my window… and you know how my window is always open? Well it was super windy and everything was just blowing everywhere. When I woke up the next morning all the colours in my poster were gone. It was really weird.

Dad: That is strange… I really liked your idea, though, even if it wasn’t right.

RJ: I’m really glad it’s not right.

Dad: Why?

RJ: My dragon mosaic that I made today is outside… on the table… and it’s starting to get windy.