Crumpled Home

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

(RJ helped sell some things on ebay, and in exchange was allowed to buy something for himself… Instead of getting an actual bird skeleton, something that he’s wanted for a while, he settled for a metal bird-skull on a chain.)

RJ: I can’t believe it! It’s finally here! It took two whole weeks!

Dad: It actually looks good, too. Solid.

RJ: I know! It’s really pretty cool. I think it’ll be pretty popular at school. I bet everyone will want to check it out. That will last about a week, maybe ten days. Then it will be a bit boring again. After that, you know, something else will be cool and who knows what that will be.

RJ feeling just a little bit gansta: Bird skull necklace, hoodie, and random pair of sunglasses that he found.

(At the end of a long day)

Dad: You look worn out. Long day?

Mom: Yeah. Exhausted.

RJ: Poor Mum. She always works so hard.

Mom: I need a job where I’m not at a computer all day. It’s soul destroying.

RJ: (suddenly REALLY interested / concerned) Cell destroying!!? How does that work? Do they get exploded?

(RJ wanders past, arms full of ‘stuff’)

Dad: Umm… RJ, doesn’t that all belong outside?

RJ: Oh yeah, Dad. I’m just moving it in here for a couple of minutes.

I’m sensible, you know! A man with his own brain.

(High velocity RJ tears past the kitchen, then suddenly stops with a concerned look on his face.)

RJ: Dad! I have a question and it’s really important!

Dad: Okay. What is it?

RJ: Can warts grow in your mouth?

Dad: Ummm… Maybe, but I really don’t think so. There are other kind of bumps and things that you can get, but probably not warts.

RJ: Oh. Okay. Well I have a lump and it just keeps getting bigger.

Dad: (concerned) Well perhaps we’ll take a loo-..

RJ: (sticking finger in mouth) Issssss riiigh baaa heeeeeaaa and-. HEY! IT’S A TOOTH! THANKS DAD!

(RJ resumes his trajectory and zooms out of the room.)

(moments after finishing breakfast)

LR: Wait! Dad! Don’t clean up yet! This is important!

(RJ and LR turn away for a moment, then turn back… with spoons on their noses.)

LR & RJ: (in unison) It’s SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Brilliant!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Amazing!

RJ: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Terrific!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Stupdendous!

RJ: Now hand over your knickers!!!!

And a moment later, it was off to the lab for some more experiments.

(driving in the car)

RJ: I know the WORST place to get sunburned. Do you know it, Dad?

Dad: I can think of a few places that would be pretty terrible. Where do you think?

RJ: The second worst place is…  In… Your… Armpits… The skin is so thin there, and you’re always moving it. It would be TERRIBLE!

Dad: I totally agree!

RJ: I know. In the olden days, they just wore singlets and they would get burned there all the time. One day the king said, “Enough! I hate having sunburned armpits!” and so someone invented a t-shirt. The king had a big celebration and it wasn’t a problem any more.

Dad: Cool! I didn’t know that… You said that’s the second worst place to get burned. What’s the actual WORST place?

RJ: Oh, easy. Sunburn on your brain is definitely the worst place… but you can only get that if you’re a zombie. Don’t worry about it.

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: If I had a choice between eating liver treats and a big bowl of Rice Bubbles… I think I’d go for the Rice Bubbles.

Dad: I think I’d agree. Besides, liver treats are just awful in milk.

LR: (giggles)

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being a rubbish man or building blocks for a job… I think I’d go for the blocks. Rubbish is just so stinky.

Dad: I agree there too.

RJ: And… If I had to choose between being attacked by scorpions, or eating a nice piece of cake… I think I’d go for the cake.

LR: (attempting to make it more challenging) And what about if you had to choose between being attacked by a lion or being attacked by –

RJ: (interrupting) a cuddly bilbi? I’ll take the bilbi!!!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom let me get a comic from the box without doing anything extra.

Dad: Well I’m not Mum. You only have to do two thank-you cards to get one.

RJ: So tomorrow I’ll just sit down and then I’ll do two whole cards and then I’ll go and get a comic.

Dad: Yep. I’m glad you understand and you’re not complaining about it.

RJ: (grumpily) Hmmph. That was NOT enthusiasm, Dad.

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, does the wind suck the colour out of the world during the night?

Mom: Well, no. But that’s a really poetic way of looking at things. Why do you ask?

RJ: No reason.

(while getting into bed)

Dad: Hey RJ, why were you asking about colours during dinner?

RJ: Well, one night, I left a poster that I coloured in next to my window… and you know how my window is always open? Well it was super windy and everything was just blowing everywhere. When I woke up the next morning all the colours in my poster were gone. It was really weird.

Dad: That is strange… I really liked your idea, though, even if it wasn’t right.

RJ: I’m really glad it’s not right.

Dad: Why?

RJ: My dragon mosaic that I made today is outside… on the table… and it’s starting to get windy.