Crumpled Home

(while eating breakfast)

LR: I’m doing a new post on my blog about the cathedrals in France.

Dad: Sounds like a great idea! Do you think you’ll ever run out of things to put on it?

LR: Not really. I can always just make up stuff. No one on the internet really knows the truth.

RJ: You know, LR. If you were two thousand years old and you had a blog, you could write lots of stories about your mummy friends and all the things that they’re doing these days.

Dad: Mummy blogging? Wouldn’t that be kind of boring? “Just another day, hanging out at the museum….”, “Well, I’m thinking of repainting the tomb…”, “I found this great sarcophagus the other day”…

RJ: Yeah, but the stories about the crazy one that escaped and is hunting everyone would be REALLY exciting.

(while eating breakfast)

Mom: RJ, you can’t eat the last half of the baguette by yourself.

RJ: But I’m really hungry!

Dad: RJ! You have to share it.  Take a smaller piece and leave the big piece alone.

RJ: (in a low, growling voice) If it’s on the plate of eating, it will be devoured.

(while eating breakfast)

Dad: So will you be able to help me out with speaking French while we’re over there?

LR: Well, I’m only in French club, Dad. We haven’t really learned the whole language.

Dad: I’m sure there’s something you can help me out with…

LR: (pauses for a moment) Well… if you need to know any numbers or vegetables, then I’m your girl.

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: (staring at LR) What the…

LR: (raises an eyebrow and keeps eating)

RJ: (to LR, incredulous) Who are you?

LR: (rolls her eyes)

RJ: How can this… I… I… I’m totally freaking out!

LR: (annoyed) What is it RJ!?

Dad: Yes, RJ. Give it a rest, please.

RJ: Dad! THIS IS NOT LR. It’s a baby wearing a seven-year-old suit!

Dad: Oh really? How do you know?

RJ: Take a really close look at the eyes. You can always tell it’s a suit when you look at the eyes.

Dad: (peering at LR) I don’t know, RJ. I’m not convinced.

LR: Dad…

RJ: Look really close, around the edges.

LR: Dad! RJ! I AM NOT A BABY!

Dad: You’re right, RJ. Only a baby would say that!

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: I think it would be great to be able to bring dead things back to life…

RJ: … Because then you could do it to your shoes and they’d be alive again and when you wore them, they would do the walking for you! So easy!

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: (pointing to empty chair) LR is right here… You don’t need to call her.

Dad: But I don’t see her… What’s up with that?

RJ: Well… (big sigh) She woke up and thought she was invincible, but she was wrong. She was actually invisible.

Dad: I’ll do my best not to sit on her then.

RJ: (posh accent) What a strange fellow! I should have a word with the council!

Dad: (laughing) RJ, has anyone ever told you how delightfully weird you are?

RJ: Not today, Dad!

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: Howp! I cannn mooovf my thunggg.

Dad: You can’t move your tongue? Why not?

RJ: Theeerth a hunnred kilogrammmth on ith. Thooo heavy.

Dad: A hundred kilograms? That’s huge. Maybe you can start using it as tongue exercise and end up with the strongest tongue in the world.

RJ: Rrrgggh…. RGGGGHHHHH! No… Juthhhhd thoo heavy. No thuper tongue powerth for me.

(while eating breakfast, the cat is sitting on the chair in front of the kitchen computer)

RJ: No kitty. No more searching…  Dad! She’s typing into Google again!

Dad: What? What is she searching for now?

RJ: “Will… I… catch… a… bird… today?” Uggh! Kitty! You’re not an outside cat!

Dad: Bad cat! No more Google for you!

RJ: Do you know what is really bad? I saw her watching Youtube last night. She was watching videos about catching birds.

Dad: That cat has no shame!

RJ: I know! And then she went on wikipedia and was searching for endangered species!

Dad: I never thought it would come to this… I guess it’s time to change the password.

RJ: Pick something harder this time.

(while eating breakfast)

Dad: RJ. We’ve got a problem. We’re not drinking enough milk. We’re never going to get through all this.

RJ: I have an idea! Let’s get all the bottles out and dress them up and then put on some music and have a milky conga line! They can dance along, it’ll be great!

Dad: Yeah! And we can dance them all out of the house and down the street and all our neighbours can have their milk join in too!

RJ: …

RJ: …

RJ: …

RJ: Don’t be silly, Dad.

Dad: Sorry, mate. I got a bit carried away.

RJ: That’s okay. It’s cold today, right?

Dad: Yeah. Very wintery. They said it might hail.

RJ: Good, because today I’m going to wear TWO hoodies AND my wooly hat.

It's the dreaded double hoodie!

(while eating breakfast)

RJ: Last night the tooth fairy came again.

Dad: Really? Didn’t she already get your tooth?

RJ: Yep, but this time it was different. This time she took all the rest.

Dad: Oh no! How are you going to eat?

RJ: It’s okay. I don’t care. She left me a huge pile of trinkets*.

* In our family, the tooth fairy is trading RJ’s teeth for small metal animal trinkets.