Crumpled Home

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!!  CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!

(While playing in the waves at the beach…)

(RJ runs up to the ocean raising his fist into the air.)

RJ: (roaring at the ocean) I challenge you, Poseidon!!! My mortal enemy! YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED!!!

(RJ punches and kicks, throwing himself at the ocean with great ferocity. Meanwhile, a  huge wave sweeps forward towards him.)

LR: (from a safe distance) Look out RJ!

RJ: What the!? ACK.

(The wave crashes over him, dragging him up the beach.)

RJ: Help! Help! Where’s the manual? I need the instruction manual! This isn’t working properly!

(while reading before bedtime)

RJ: Dad, you know Tom is just a kid when he starts the Beast Quest books, but at the end, he’s grown up?

Dad: Yeah. All those adventures must have taken a long time.

RJ: Well… He doesn’t ever buy new clothes.

Dad: I guess he doesn’t.

RJ: So at the end, he must be feeling pretty squished in such small clothes! And they’re probably all falling apart, too!

(a few weeks ago)

So RJ just had a massive meltdown, a full-on tantrum. We had the whole deal: screaming, tears, rage and finally just incredibly sad and dejected… The reason this time?

We refused to buy him a book.

Yes, we are cruel, harsh parents and yes, we are aware he’ll always have trouble fitting in with the other kids at school, but we refuse to have silly, made-up stories taking up so much of our childrens’ time. If we let them, they’d spend hours just sitting there on the couch doing absolutely nothing except filling their heads with empty nonsense. Half of the books appear to be filled with advertising anyway, to get you to buy the following books in the series. Mr. Dickens, we are sooooo onto you.

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June flew past in a hurry. The kids put together an impromptu magic show one morning, and LR played piano for a huge crowd. RJ flew and continued to be full of surprises. We spent an evening outside taking German lessons in the dark, and the kids channelled their inner zombies while discovering where all their good ideas come from.

RJ took flying lessons at one of his friend's birthday parties. That trampoline practice came in handy!

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(while eating breakfast)

RJ: We could write a book called, “How to Scare Yourself.”

Dad: Yeah? What would be in it?

RJ: Only one page… Only words and no pictures.

Dad: What would it say?

RJ: (making eerie wind-through-the-trees sounds) “Just blow and whistle.”

Dad: Great idea, but I don’t think many people would buy it.

RJ: It’s okay. I’ll just give them away… As birthday presents!

(while eating breakfast)

LR: I’m going to write a book one day. I’ve got a good idea for it too. It’ll be the biggest… book… ever… The size of a house!

Dad: That’s a great idea. I wonder if anyone’s ever made a book that big.

RJ: Mine will be that big too! I have a special name for it!

Dad: What’s that?

RJ: The Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Big, Bad Book.

Dad: Cool… but why is it bad?

RJ: It’s so big, you can fall inside and get trapped in the story.

Dad: Did that actually happen to someone?

RJ: Yes. The postman is still stuck in there. It’s okay! There’s a toilet inside.

LR: (giggles)

Dad: Well that’s a relief.

RJ: It’s okay if you fall in, because he can give you your mail… You’ll love it! It’s an invitation to a birthday party!