Crumpled Home

RJ: This is Spinaxy. He’s a Tri-Horn; their favorite food is blood and they are VERY dangerous.

RJ: They are super tough and you can’t hurt them. The only way to kill them is to shoot them in the mouth with a gold gun and a silver gun, at the same time.

Dad: So how do you get them to open their mouth?

RJ: You have to tell them the funniest joke in the whole world and then you can shoot them. You just better hope they laugh.

Beware Spinaxy the Tri-Horn!!!

Dad: (climbing up a ladder to inspect our roof cavity) Okay, if I’m not back in an hour send in some help!

RJ: You wont be back in an hour. You’re going to die in there.

Dad: What!?

RJ: Oh yeah. Definitely going to die. There’ll be thousands of rats and they’ll all bite you and you’ll die from bleeding.

Dad: Well, make sure you warn the next person who comes up here then.

RJ: It’s a baaad idea, Dad. There’s no hope for you.

(Twenty minutes later)

LR: Are you coming out now, Dad?

Dad: Yep! The only way out is to slide backwards on my stomach. Can you see my feet yet?

LR: Yeah, they’re not near the ladder though.

Dad: I’m nearly out.

LR: Now you’re okay… but…

Dad: But what?

LR: You look… gross… covered in dirt and dust and fluff… Like you were attacked by rats or something!

(while eating lunch)

Teacher: Hi RJ! We’re going to be talking about paint today and where it comes from. Do you have any ideas on how to make paint?

RJ: (nonchalantly) Oh yeah. You just need some eye dust and then some blood and then you mix it together and put it all over your hands and you can make handprints.

Teacher: So what colour would that paint be?

RJ: Red… Dark red.

Teacher: That’s a pretty good idea. What about if you wanted some other colour though?

RJ: (thinking) Hmm…

RJ: You just need different coloured eye dust!

Teacher: But where do you get coloured eye dust from?

RJ: Easy! From eyeballs… from dead people!

(while getting ready for the day)

RJ: I know what to do if zombies come… I’ve got a poison mushroom and when they eat it, then they’ll really be dead.

Dad: But RJ, there’s a problem. Zombies don’t eat mushrooms, they eat…

RJ: BRAAAAAAIINNNZZZZ…

Dad: Yeah. So there’s the problem.

RJ: Not a problem… I’ll just put some brains inside the mushroom so that they want to eat it.

Dad: That’ll work, except for one thing. Where are you going to get the brains from?

RJ: Another zombie!

Dad: Isn’t that dangerous?

RJ: Sure, but I can use rope. If I throw it like a lasso, and tie him up, then I get its brains out safely!

Dad: Just watch out for that zombie blood.

RJ: Yes, I will have to be very careful. After that, I will put some traps by the front door… Actually, a lot of traps.

Dad: What kind of traps work on zombies?

RJ: I will have a glue shooter first, so they get stuck and can’t move very fast, then a boomerang shooting gun and a light saber shooting gun. That will get rid of all of them.

Dad: And after that? What will you do with the huge pile of dead zombies in the doorway. That’s going to be a BIG problem.

RJ: That’s easy! I’ll just put them in the garden afterwards. Dead zombies are very good for plants.

How about that… A great picture of RJ having a snack.

Hey, he’s got something on his head!

It’s some kind of headband thing that he made and tied off himself!

…I bet there’s a story there.

Dad: Hey RJ, what’s that you’re wearing on your head?

RJ: Oh, it’s just something that I made out of styrofoam and some string.

Dad: Cool. What is it meant to be?

RJ: Well… There were these bullies being mean to everyone, so I got out my chainsaw and chopped them all up. Do you know what a chainsaw is?

Dad: Uhhhhh, yeah… I know what a chainsaw is.

RJ: So I used the chainsaw to chop them up, and chop their heads off, and chop out their eyeballs. I used one of them for my headband!

Dad: Great work mate! It looks great, but I think there’s still some blood dripping from it.

RJ: It’s very fresh.

RJ sports a delightful eyeball-headband from a local designer.

(while doing an art project)

RJ: Do you like mine? It’s a, “Vein Ship!”

Dad: So what can it do?

RJ: It’s full of blood and it can shoot veins and blood out of its guns. It’s great for attacking pirates.

Dad: The pirates hate blood?

RJ: Yeah! When the veins from the vein ship get on the pirates, their ship changes, and then it turns into a vein ship too. It’s really bad.

Dad: What else can it do?

RJ: It has a Cottelator 2-1000.

Dad: Whoah. That sounds dangerous.

RJ: It is. When you shoot pirates with it, it makes them cough.

(while reading stories before bed)

Dad: … that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small…

RJ: That’s why he was so mean.

Dad: Yep. That’s definitely why the Grinch was so mean.

RJ: His heart wasn’t big enough to push all the blood around. He wasn’t getting enough blood in his brain.

Dad: That’ll put anyone in a bad mood.

While Mum and the kids were off having a great time down south, I was left slaving away at the daily grind. One night, after picking up some dinner in one of my old haunts, I was surprised to find myself surrounded by hordes of undead. Looks like the neighbourhood has gone downhill since we used to live there.

The One that Isn't Ready Yet

The One that Needs a Hand

The One with a Musical Bent

The One that Needs a Hug

The One that I Saw

The One with a Famous Relative

(at the dinner table)

RJ: I’m drinking fly blood. Arrgggllugluglugluglugllugl. (starts gargling milk)

Dad & Mum: RJ! Stop that! No gargling at the dinner table!

RJ: (craftily) I love drinking fly blood. I’m a spider. (starts making motions to begin gargling again)

Dad: Watch it spider, or I’ll turn your fly blood into…  moo juice.

RJ: (angry, yelling) THERE IS NO SUCH THING! THERE IS NO MOO JUICE!

More fly blood please!