Crumpled Home

(while reading a bedtime story)

Dad: … “It’s that nickel I found, only it isn’t a nickel! It’s a magic charm…” … Hang on guys, do you know what a nickel is?

LR & RJ: Yeeeesssss…

Dad: LR, what do you think it is?

LR: It’s a type of metal, right?

Dad: That’s right. But it’s also one of these… RJ, any ideas?

RJ: (confidently) It’s kind of a small metal tooth — very detailed.

Dad: Uhhh… What?! Nevermind.
It’s a 5 cent coin from America. They used to make them out of nickel because it’s hard and stays shiny.

RJ & LR: Ohhhh!!!

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Mom, does the wind suck the colour out of the world during the night?

Mom: Well, no. But that’s a really poetic way of looking at things. Why do you ask?

RJ: No reason.

(while getting into bed)

Dad: Hey RJ, why were you asking about colours during dinner?

RJ: Well, one night, I left a poster that I coloured in next to my window… and you know how my window is always open? Well it was super windy and everything was just blowing everywhere. When I woke up the next morning all the colours in my poster were gone. It was really weird.

Dad: That is strange… I really liked your idea, though, even if it wasn’t right.

RJ: I’m really glad it’s not right.

Dad: Why?

RJ: My dragon mosaic that I made today is outside… on the table… and it’s starting to get windy.

Just noting a couple of things that I didn’t want to forget.

Bedtimes with LR have always been very simple and easy until recently. These days I have to wait until she does a special hand motion with her hands and says, “I’ve got an awkward purple turtle…” in a weird, almost American accent. Once that has happened, I have to say goodnight to the turtle and then the regular routine resumes.

Reading with RJ is a mixture of suffering and elation. He is clearly bored with reading the books from the classroom and about half the time he makes it as difficult as possible. When things are going smoothly, he loves to play with words and the language. Two months ago, he redefined the exclamation point as a ‘whisper mark’. This introduced all sorts of unexpected amusement in his learning to read books when at the climax, the main character leaps forward and in a tremendous whisper mumbles, “Oh no!”

(bedtime)

Dad: Time to calm down and get to sleep, RJ.

RJ: Like a chicken?

Dad: Like a big chicken.

RJ: Like a big chicken that is rampaging around and destroying the city?

Dad: Yes, RJ. Exactly like that. Good night!

(just before bed)

RJ: But wait, Dad! I have to show you something!

Dad: Okay… What is it?

RJ: (holding up a toy seahorse and a fish) Look at this. I put a tiny hole in the seahorse right here. That’s because it’s where the parasite fish gets in. It swims in through the hole and then up through the neck and into the seahorse’s brain. Then it lives in there and makes the seahorse do whatever it likes. After a long time, the seahorse dies and the fish goes and finds another one… And that’s a real creature! They really do that!

RJ: … But usually it’s a fish, not a seahorse.

Dad: Desperate times, eh?

RJ: Yeah. He was really desperate.

(getting ready for bed)

Dad: I’ll put some music on for you if you want.

LR: (Snuggling down under the covers) Thanks Dad.

(The first few quiet notes of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata fill the room…)

Dad: (kissing her head) Goodnight, LR.

LR: Goodnight Da-…

(The melody starts playing; this time with unexpected, accompanying harmonica.)

(from just outside the door) Hawwwwnk… Hawnk haw hawwwwnk…. Hawwwn haw hawwwnnkk…

RJ: (waltzes into the room, playing along and dancing around) Hawwwn haw hawwwnnkk…

LR: (uncontrollable giggles)

RJ: Do you like it? It’s the Harmonica Sonata!

Dad: Oh yeah, it’s heaps better than the original. I’m sure Beethoven would have loved it. Now, BACK TO BED!

(A few minutes later, RJ insisted on showing me his “emergency harmonica” and where he keeps it, in case he needs it in a hurry… And THEN he went to bed.)

(while reading before bedtime)

RJ: Dad, you know Tom is just a kid when he starts the Beast Quest books, but at the end, he’s grown up?

Dad: Yeah. All those adventures must have taken a long time.

RJ: Well… He doesn’t ever buy new clothes.

Dad: I guess he doesn’t.

RJ: So at the end, he must be feeling pretty squished in such small clothes! And they’re probably all falling apart, too!

Dad: No watching… It’s a school night. Bedtime, Mister!

RJ: But Mom said I could watch a movie!

Dad: Yeah, on the weekend, not for tonight. Move!

RJ: (threatening) If you don’t let me, then I’ll be the… Distressed Parrot.

Dad: Then I’m just going to have to deal with a distressed parrot then.

RJ: (in very loud parrot voice) Distress! No one’s getting the damsel! Arawwk! Danger Alert! Princess is in distress! Damsel in distress! Emergency! Panic!

(getting to bed after watching the movie Megamind)

Dad: Time to get to sleep, RJ… And by the way, we have a rule in this family:
You aren’t allowed to grow up to be an evil super-villain.

RJ: No Dad. That’s what you’re doing… After you’re done being a parent.

Dad: Shhhhh. That’s my secret plan.

RJ: Don’t worry. I won’t tell mum. She’d battle you and you’d probably end up dying.

Dad: I know. Shes always ruining my plans… Always.

(while reading stories before bed)

Dad: … that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small…

RJ: That’s why he was so mean.

Dad: Yep. That’s definitely why the Grinch was so mean.

RJ: His heart wasn’t big enough to push all the blood around. He wasn’t getting enough blood in his brain.

Dad: That’ll put anyone in a bad mood.