Crumpled Home

Just noting a couple of things that I didn’t want to forget.

Bedtimes with LR have always been very simple and easy until recently. These days I have to wait until she does a special hand motion with her hands and says, “I’ve got an awkward purple turtle…” in a weird, almost American accent. Once that has happened, I have to say goodnight to the turtle and then the regular routine resumes.

Reading with RJ is a mixture of suffering and elation. He is clearly bored with reading the books from the classroom and about half the time he makes it as difficult as possible. When things are going smoothly, he loves to play with words and the language. Two months ago, he redefined the exclamation point as a ‘whisper mark’. This introduced all sorts of unexpected amusement in his learning to read books when at the climax, the main character leaps forward and in a tremendous whisper mumbles, “Oh no!”

(bedtime)

Dad: Time to calm down and get to sleep, RJ.

RJ: Like a chicken?

Dad: Like a big chicken.

RJ: Like a big chicken that is rampaging around and destroying the city?

Dad: Yes, RJ. Exactly like that. Good night!

(just before bed)

RJ: But wait, Dad! I have to show you something!

Dad: Okay… What is it?

RJ: (holding up a toy seahorse and a fish) Look at this. I put a tiny hole in the seahorse right here. That’s because it’s where the parasite fish gets in. It swims in through the hole and then up through the neck and into the seahorse’s brain. Then it lives in there and makes the seahorse do whatever it likes. After a long time, the seahorse dies and the fish goes and finds another one… And that’s a real creature! They really do that!

RJ: … But usually it’s a fish, not a seahorse.

Dad: Desperate times, eh?

RJ: Yeah. He was really desperate.

(getting ready for bed)

Dad: I’ll put some music on for you if you want.

LR: (Snuggling down under the covers) Thanks Dad.

(The first few quiet notes of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata fill the room…)

Dad: (kissing her head) Goodnight, LR.

LR: Goodnight Da-…

(The melody starts playing; this time with unexpected, accompanying harmonica.)

(from just outside the door) Hawwwwnk… Hawnk haw hawwwwnk…. Hawwwn haw hawwwnnkk…

RJ: (waltzes into the room, playing along and dancing around) Hawwwn haw hawwwnnkk…

LR: (uncontrollable giggles)

RJ: Do you like it? It’s the Harmonica Sonata!

Dad: Oh yeah, it’s heaps better than the original. I’m sure Beethoven would have loved it. Now, BACK TO BED!

(A few minutes later, RJ insisted on showing me his “emergency harmonica” and where he keeps it, in case he needs it in a hurry… And THEN he went to bed.)

(while reading before bedtime)

RJ: Dad, you know Tom is just a kid when he starts the Beast Quest books, but at the end, he’s grown up?

Dad: Yeah. All those adventures must have taken a long time.

RJ: Well… He doesn’t ever buy new clothes.

Dad: I guess he doesn’t.

RJ: So at the end, he must be feeling pretty squished in such small clothes! And they’re probably all falling apart, too!

Dad: No watching… It’s a school night. Bedtime, Mister!

RJ: But Mom said I could watch a movie!

Dad: Yeah, on the weekend, not for tonight. Move!

RJ: (threatening) If you don’t let me, then I’ll be the… Distressed Parrot.

Dad: Then I’m just going to have to deal with a distressed parrot then.

RJ: (in very loud parrot voice) Distress! No one’s getting the damsel! Arawwk! Danger Alert! Princess is in distress! Damsel in distress! Emergency! Panic!

(getting to bed after watching the movie Megamind)

Dad: Time to get to sleep, RJ… And by the way, we have a rule in this family:
You aren’t allowed to grow up to be an evil super-villain.

RJ: No Dad. That’s what you’re doing… After you’re done being a parent.

Dad: Shhhhh. That’s my secret plan.

RJ: Don’t worry. I won’t tell mum. She’d battle you and you’d probably end up dying.

Dad: I know. Shes always ruining my plans… Always.

(while reading stories before bed)

Dad: … that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small…

RJ: That’s why he was so mean.

Dad: Yep. That’s definitely why the Grinch was so mean.

RJ: His heart wasn’t big enough to push all the blood around. He wasn’t getting enough blood in his brain.

Dad: That’ll put anyone in a bad mood.

(After finishing the last scene of Romeo and Juliet during bedtime reading…)

LR: So she just stabbed herself?!

Mum: Yeah.

LR: Well, that was stupid!

Mum: Mmmm?

LR: He’s just a boy! Let him drink poison. Who cares?!

Mum: Well, she really loved him.

LR: There are lots of boys.

Mum: True. Pretty stupid.

Maybe we’ll skip the romantic tragedies for a little while…

(while watching a documentary about India with LR)

RJ: I want to watch Dangerous Seas!

Mum: Just wait RJ. Be quiet for one minute and we’ll put it on for you.

RJ: But I don’t like this.

Dad: Mum’s right RJ. Just sit still for one minute.

RJ: (quiet for about 10 seconds) But it’s boring!

Mum: One minute. You just have to not say anything for one minute.

RJ: (quiet for about 15 seconds) It’s boring my eyeballs out!

RJ: (melodramatically raises his fists and bangs them against his head) Uhhhhgh.

Dad: RJ! Just sit quietly for one minite and we’ll switch. That’s the deal.

RJ: I’m leaving your deal on the table!

Mum: Just one minute. That’s all you have to wait.

RJ: (silence for 30 seconds) This is boring into my braaaaain! (dramatic gestures, hands in the air, head hanging forward)

Dad: Try again mate.

RJ: (silence for 45 seconds)

Mum & Dad: Well done! You did it!

RJ: Now can I watch Dangerous Seas?

Dad: Umm… how about something else instead? I can’t find that DVD.