Crumpled Home

(While playing in the waves at the beach…)

(RJ runs up to the ocean raising his fist into the air.)

RJ: (roaring at the ocean) I challenge you, Poseidon!!! My mortal enemy! YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED!!!

(RJ punches and kicks, throwing himself at the ocean with great ferocity. Meanwhile, a  huge wave sweeps forward towards him.)

LR: (from a safe distance) Look out RJ!

RJ: What the!? ACK.

(The wave crashes over him, dragging him up the beach.)

RJ: Help! Help! Where’s the manual? I need the instruction manual! This isn’t working properly!

Dad: Thanks for helping carry stuff out to the car, LR.

LR: No. problem. But. I. am. not. LR.

Dad: You’re… a robot?

LR: Yes. No. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: You’re a chicken robot?

LR: No. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: You’re a robot, pretending to be a chicken?

LR: Yes. I. am. a. chicken.

Dad: Do you like chickens for some reason, robot?

LR: No. I. hate. chickens.

Dad: So you’re a robot that hates chickens, pretending to be a chicken? What on Earth for?

LR: So. I. can. get. into. the. chicken. coop. Obviously. they. do. not. let. robots. in.

Dad: And why would a chicken hating robot want to get into a chicken coop?

LR: It. is. the. only. way. to. defeat. them. I. will. fight. them. while. they. sleep.

(LR wanders off, as I wonder if I’ve confused her for RJ… and what on earth is wrong with our children.)

(a discussion after school)

RJ: Did you know that bad robots need bad batteries and bad switches?

Dad: No. I didn’t know that. So the bad batteries have bad power in them?

RJ: Yep. It’s what makes them so evil.

Dad: So… What if I put bad power in a good robot?

RJ: Not a good idea. He would just pull out his gun and shoot you.

Dad: Okay. I wont try that then. What if I put bad power into something safe, like a TV?

RJ: That’s the worst idea EVER.

Dad: Why? TV’s don’t have guns in them.

RJ: If you do that, the TV will explode… and then hundreds of tiny spider droids will come out and attack you. They’re really little.

Dad: Like microbots, or even smaller, like nanobots?

RJ: Nanobots. They try to get into your ears then your brain to kill you.

Dad: Can I just stomp on them?

RJ: Nope. They’re too tough — they’re made of metal!

Dad: What if I use a super strong magnet? Then they’ll be stuck to it.

RJ: Nope. They’re not made of iron. They use a different kind of metal.

Dad: Titanium or something?

RJ: Yep.

Dad: What if I sprayed them with acid?

RJ: Wont work.

Dad: Why not?

RJ: Because they have little sucker hoses that will clean it all up… then they empty it into the rubbish.

Dad: (thinking) Hmm…

Dad: … Got it! I’ve got electric shoes! When they try to crawl up my feet, they’ll get zapped and stop working!

RJ: …

RJ: … (thinking) …

RJ: (looks around) … But you’re not wearing shoes!!! You’re DEAD!

(during a mighty battle between Evil Dad and Good RJ)

Evil Dad: You’ll never get me. I’m going to destroy the world!

Good RJ: (putting headband on Evil Dad) The magic helmet changes you to the good side!

Good Dad: Hey. I feel like a good guy now. Let’s go destroy the bad guys!

Good RJ: Yes! But before I can trust you, you have to do something good.

Good Dad: Yes? What’s that?

Good RJ: (dramatically) You have to kill your evil mother.

Good Dad: What?! But I like her!

Good RJ: Sorry, but it’s the only way to know that you’re really good.

Good Dad: That’s terrible!

Good RJ: Okay. Maybe you can kill your evil father instead.

Good Dad: I… I still don’t want to. He taught me all my evil tricks.

Good RJ: (sighing) Okay. Maybe just one of your evil friends. How about Mr Poison Toadstool?

Good Dad: Okay… I guess.

Good RJ: You can use my super gun. It shoots saucepans that fly out and hit people, then turn into fighting robots.

Good Dad: AWESOME!