Crumpled Home

(The kids have been making toys and figurines out of polycaprolactone, a non-toxic plastic that is malleable in hot water… While LR has been rapidly expanding her collection of bouncy balls and tiny dinner sets, RJ invented a new superhero… He has wings. He has a unicorn horn. He is simultaneously awesome, majestic, and devastating, and has an unparallelled ability to smell out truffles. He is… Unipig. )

RJ: Unipig soars through the air ready to fight evil!

Oh no! His ultimate enemy Doctor Zhu Zhu, an evil mutant mosquito, is attacking! He flys out of the darkness of hell to battle Unipig.

Luckily Unipig has his amazing watering trough of justice, the only weakness of evil mutant mosquitoes and Doctor Zhu Zhu drowns… Arrrgghghglurglurgblurblurrbglurrrghhh. (dramatic drowning noises).

RJ: … Most people don’t know this, but Unipig is allergic to cheese. No salty southern cheeseburgers for him. They make him throw up.

Unipig (a winged, unicorn-horned pig) takes a short break from fighting evil for a quick drink from the water trough.

Update: Polycaprolactone plastic is pretty amazing stuff and it isn’t just for the kids. We got one of the big containers from Plastimake. There are lots more ideas on how to use it at their website. Highly recommended!!!

RJ, on household artillery:

I know what the dumbest weapon in the whole world is.

A toaster.

First, you never know when it will actually go off and shoot. It just pops when it wants to.

Second, if it doesn’t pop up in time, it just smokes and burns and then your whole face is filled with smoke and you’re coughing and it’s just terrible.

Third…

Well…

It mostly just shoots toast. Not many bad guys are scared of toast.

So you can see, a toaster is the worst… weapon… ever!

The other day, RJ disappeared into the playroom for an hour to work on a lego project. The peace and quiet was truly remarkable, if not somewhat disconcerting. We left him to himself and when he was finally finished, he presented us with… this:

A fully automatic lego guillotine for, as he put it, “taking care of bad guys and kings.”

The good news is that now we know that he learned something during our trip to France.

Behold RJ's fully automatic lego guillotine, fit for a king!

RJ: I think I know why the wobbegongs are nearly extinct.

Dad: Yeah? Why?

RJ: Well. My hypothesis is that they were resting on the bottom of the ocean, just being happy and then the bad guys went swimming past, but they got too close and then one of the wobbegongs swam up and bit one of the bad guys. This made the bad guys REALLY mad, so they went and killed all the wobbegongs for revenge.

Dad: And that’s why there aren’t very many left?

RJ: Yep. You shouldn’t mess with the bad guys.

Dad: I’ll keep that in mind next time I see them swimming past.

(getting to bed after watching the movie Megamind)

Dad: Time to get to sleep, RJ… And by the way, we have a rule in this family:
You aren’t allowed to grow up to be an evil super-villain.

RJ: No Dad. That’s what you’re doing… After you’re done being a parent.

Dad: Shhhhh. That’s my secret plan.

RJ: Don’t worry. I won’t tell mum. She’d battle you and you’d probably end up dying.

Dad: I know. Shes always ruining my plans… Always.

RJ: Dad! I’ve got a new invention in the play room and I need you to be really careful!

Dad: Careful? Why? What is it?

RJ: I’m inventing a new disease. It’s really dangerous.

Dad: Oooo-kay… What does it do?

RJ: Well, when you catch it, you cough a little bit and then you feel a bit sick and then skin grows across your mouth and you can’t eat or drink anything!

Dad: That sounds awful!

RJ: It gets worse after that. Then you start bleeding, and THEN you die.

Dad: What on earth do you need a something like that for?

RJ: We need to be ready when the bad guys show up. This will be the only way to stop them.

Dad: Okay then. Try not to get it on your clothes.

RJ: Watch out, Dad. They’re all robots now.

Dad: Who’s that?

RJ: The spiders and insects… Even the scorpions. They’ve all been replaced by robots.

Dad: Let me guess. The bad guys have a plan to take over the world?

RJ: Yes, and it starts by replacing all the venomous creatures with robots.

RJ: … but not the lizards. They’re still on our side.

RJ: All bad guys have moustaches. It’s a rule.

Dad: Yeah? How does that work?

RJ: It’s easy. When you’re on the bad guy team, you’ve got to have a moustache.

Dad: So what happens if a new guy joins the team and they don’t have one yet?

RJ: They have to draw one on until his moustache grows.

Dad: Doesn’t it look a bit silly?

RJ: No. They have special moustache drawing pens.

(The next morning, we got up to find a four-year-old bad guy sitting in the kitchen wearing dark sunglasses and a very impressive black moustache and goatee drawn on in marker… RJ was nowhere to be seen.)

RJ: Hey Dad! Can you push this for me?

Dad: (Pushes part of springy elastic toy) Sure. What does it do?

RJ: When it pops back out, you get a wish. It can turn into anything you want! Watch…

RJ: I wish for… a laser blaster. (PoP!) See? Isn’t it great? Your turn!

Dad: Okay… I wish for a flying spike shooter!

RJ: (PoP!) There! Now maybe someday you’ll get a flying spike shooter.

Dad: That’s surprisingly vague… Can I try again? I want to try wishing for a huge box of money!

RJ: No, sorry. It only turns into weapons.

Dad: How about a gun that shoots bundles of money?

RJ: (sighs, disappointed) That’s not a very good weapon, Dad.

Dad: How about a gun that shoots bundles of money that are so big that they squash bad guys.

RJ: (brightening up) Yeah! That’ll work! (PoP!)

Hi, I’m a shouty man and I’m here to tell you about new Guinea Pig Transporter, the incredible pet mobility revolution!

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(cut to scene where two yelling children are chasing a toy guinea pig across a schoolyard)
(voiceover) Those school bullies wont be a problem any more…
(bullies look to camera, appear surprised, and are vaporised by a blinding flash of high intensity ionizing radiation)

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Based on the design and a conversation with RJ about his latest lego construction. H/T to Horrible Histories and the original Shouty Man.