Crumpled Home » Quotes

Speaking from experience

Luke — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 03:07:32 +0000

RJ, on household artillery:

I know what the dumbest weapon in the whole world is.

A toaster.

First, you never know when it will actually go off and shoot. It just pops when it wants to.

Second, if it doesn’t pop up in time, it just smokes and burns and then your whole face is filled with smoke and you’re coughing and it’s just terrible.

Third…

Well…

It mostly just shoots toast. Not many bad guys are scared of toast.

So you can see, a toaster is the worst… weapon… ever!

Respect my authorit… Oh nevermind…

Luke — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:07:24 +0000

(reading to the kids in the car)

Dad: … Dun dun daaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… That’s the end of the chapter guys.

LR: Daddy! Read more!

RJ: Yeah, keep going!

Dad: We’re almost there. It’s time to stop.

LR: If you stop now, I will not be pleased. There will be consequences, Daddy… Consequences.

RJ: Yeah! You better keep reading! I’m reaching my limit…

LR: (dramatically) CONSEQUENCES!

RJ: … and you wont like me when I reach my limit. I’m just like Mom!

Dad: True. Normally, Mom is just lovely to be around…

Mom: (dark, foreboding look)

Dad: … But it’s never safe to be around Mom when she’s reached her limit.

Mom: (darker, more threatening look)

Dad: I guess I’m pushing the limit, right now.

LR: CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

RJ: I’m getting to my limit, Daddy! I’m warning you!

LR: !!! CONSEQUENCES !!!!!

RJ: !!! LIMITS !!!

Dad: Okay… Okay… A few more pages then.

Do not push his limits, or there will be consequences!

Nuts about religion

Luke — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:07:05 +0000

(while eating dinner)

RJ: Can I have some more lamb, please?

Mom: Eat some salad first. You haven’t even eaten any pine nuts, and you love those.

RJ: I can’t eat that!

Mom: Why not?

RJ: Because that pine nut is the God of Victory! I’m still praying to him.

Mom: Well you’re not getting anything else to eat until you eat those.

LR: Don’t worry about that one, RJ, there’s about twenty more gods on your plate right there… I’ve eaten all the gods on my plate, and they were great!

Dad: So what have your gods done for you lately, RJ?

RJ: Well… They helped me at the beach today?

Dad: Really? How?

RJ: I didn’t get eaten by a shark! They kept all the sharks away.

Dad: Good point. I guess they kept all the thunderstorms and earthquakes away too.

RJ: (Bows head and prays to the pine nut). Yep. They’re powerful and delicious. (chomp)

Transmogrification (without the tiger)

Luke — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:07:27 +0000

RJ: Dad, if LR comes back from camp with four legs, big marshmallow lips and a mane and a tale and hooves, do we have to keep her?

Dad: I’m not sure RJ. If she can talk, I think we have to.

RJ: She wont be able to talk, Dad. She’s a horse.

Dad: A horse could be kind of useful. Do you think she could make it up the stairs to her room?

RJ: No way!

Dad: I guess she could stay in the backyard. Mom would be pretty upset if we got rid of her.

RJ: It just wouldn’t work. She would eat all the plants and wouldn’t be able to do her jobs around the house. She’d have to go.

Dad: I guess you’re right. Oh well, I’ll miss her.

Pony Camp!

Luke — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 03:07:53 +0000

It’s a little quiet at home right now. LR is away at horse riding camp and the normal level of intensity at our place has dropped a bit – although only a little bit, the RJ reality distortion field is still fully operational.

Pony camp is an amazing place — I get all fluttery just thinking about it — a magical land where you spend all day riding horses, cleaning and scrubbing horses, feeding horses, and (be still my beating heart) shoveling horse manure and cleaning out stalls. Mom insists that this is little girl heaven, but I’m not totally convinced.

For the first time in her life, she has ‘her own’ mobile phone with her (it’s a spare that we’ve borrowed from Poppa for the week). We told her it’s just for emergencies or if something goes wrong and she needs to talk to us. After giving her one or two instructions on how to use it, we carefully put it in her backpack and waved goodbye.

Five hours later, while deep in the middle of one of my projects, I was interrupted by an unexpected phone call… from LR and a room full of 7 year old girls suffering some kind of ‘emergency’ involving a large amount of giggling. Apparently, she had to test to see if the phone was still working properly…

Regardless, I’m looking forward to having her back when she gets home… as long as she leaves her boots outside.

Just before she left, she drew this on the fridge for us.

The fridge cow will keep you company while LR is away.

Choose your battles

Luke — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:07:42 +0000

(While playing in the waves at the beach…)

(RJ runs up to the ocean raising his fist into the air.)

RJ: (roaring at the ocean) I challenge you, Poseidon!!! My mortal enemy! YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED!!!

(RJ punches and kicks, throwing himself at the ocean with great ferocity. Meanwhile, a huge wave sweeps forward towards him.)

LR: (from a safe distance) Look out RJ!

RJ: What the!? ACK.

(The wave crashes over him, dragging him up the beach.)

RJ: Help! Help! Where’s the manual? I need the instruction manual! This isn’t working properly!

Invasion!!!

Luke — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 03:07:26 +0000

While we were away (yes, pictures from our holiday are coming soon), RJ and LR worked on their art skills. While LR interwove a broad spectrum of stories, pictures and poems, RJ turned his laser-like focus towards drawing aliens in preparation for invasion (project 1).

The Party Alien is on the way. He is a lot of fun, but his sword is super sharp.

The Science Alien uses "Alien Google" on his computer for answering questions about anything in the universe. He also has his grandmother with him, but she has to stay downstairs.

The Mum Alien has extra eyes and arms for keeping baby aliens out of trouble

The Warrior Alien has extra sharp teeth and spikes on his head.

The Strongest Alien can lift pretty much anything.

The Scary Alien will grab you with his arms and tentacles. You can't escape him.

The Twin Aliens are the sneakiest. While you are watching one, the other is smashing everything up. When you try to stop him, the first one runs away and laughs at you.

Redefining mommy blogging

Luke — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:07:54 +0000

(while eating breakfast)

LR: I’m doing a new post on my blog about the cathedrals in France.

Dad: Sounds like a great idea! Do you think you’ll ever run out of things to put on it?

LR: Not really. I can always just make up stuff. No one on the internet really knows the truth.

RJ: You know, LR. If you were two thousand years old and you had a blog, you could write lots of stories about your mummy friends and all the things that they’re doing these days.

Dad: Mummy blogging? Wouldn’t that be kind of boring? “Just another day, hanging out at the museum….”, “Well, I’m thinking of repainting the tomb…”, “I found this great sarcophagus the other day”…

RJ: Yeah, but the stories about the crazy one that escaped and is hunting everyone would be REALLY exciting.

Future untapped markets

Luke — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:07:04 +0000

RJ: (sighing) I’m going to be so busy when I grow up.

Dad: Really? What are you going to be doing?

RJ: You know!!!

Dad: (uncertain) Yeah, but… which job? You’ve told me a few.

RJ: I’m going to be a warrior and fight monsters!

Dad: Oh yeah! So there will be a lot of demand for warriors and monster hunters in the future?

RJ: Definitely.

Dad: In that case, there should be good money in it for you. How much do monster hunters get paid?

RJ: Oh about a thousand dollars…

Dad: For each monster? Hmm… I thought it would be more than that.

RJ: No. But it is really great when you find a whole nest of them.

Unsuspecting father mugg(l)ed by children

Luke — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 03:07:10 +0000

We’ve been reading Harry Potter before bedtime.

(while playing together)

RJ: Harry Potter is really good, isn’t it.

LR: Yeah. I didn’t like it for a long time, because everyone else was so crazy about it, but I like it now.

…

RJ: Dad thinks he’s a wizard, doesn’t he.

LR: Yeah, but he’s really just a muggle!

(both kids burst out laughing)