Crumpled Home

There are some people that say that you don’t choose your pets; your pets choose you. In this case, they may be right.

The morning started fairly normally, breakfast for the kids, lunches being packed, and a somewhat bizarre conversation about how useful it might be to have a magnetron embedded in your robot arm.

Benefits: The ability to quickly prepare hot beverages and to shoot popcorn into your enemies eyes…

Negatives: None!

We wonder why every robot doesn’t have one…

As pieces of fruit were selected for their lunch boxes, we noticed a rather grim looking pear in the basket. Closer inspection revealed that a family of fruit flies had recently taken up residence. The pear had turned to the dark side. As it began its brief journey to the rubbish bin, RJ spoke up:

RJ: Wait!

Dad: Yeah?

RJ: I… Can I have that?

Dad: This? The rotten pear?

RJ: Ummm. Yes? I need it.

Dad: What on earth for?

RJ: I… I want to do an experiment.

(He’s crafty, this one. He knows that science is the ultimate trump card in our family.)

Dad: What kind of experiment?

RJ: Well… I want to breed some some mutant fruit flies.

Dad: And how do you plan to do that?

RJ: First, I need to extract some carrot DNA, and then I’ll feed it to them. And then…

Dad: Hold up! That wont work! I eat banana DNA all the time and I’m not a yellow bellied mutant. Stomachs break down DNA when they digest it.

RJ: Curses! What if I just put it on the eggs? Before they hatch? Before they have stomachs?

Dad: That might just work.

RJ: And then I’ll have mutant orange fruit flies! And I can take over the world!

Dad: Okay. But your evil plans have to wait until you get home from school. You’re still in your pajamas, Dr. Doom.

RJ's latest pets, and the ingredients for their carroty future -- key components of his plan for world domination.

(RJ helped sell some things on ebay, and in exchange was allowed to buy something for himself… Instead of getting an actual bird skeleton, something that he’s wanted for a while, he settled for a metal bird-skull on a chain.)

RJ: I can’t believe it! It’s finally here! It took two whole weeks!

Dad: It actually looks good, too. Solid.

RJ: I know! It’s really pretty cool. I think it’ll be pretty popular at school. I bet everyone will want to check it out. That will last about a week, maybe ten days. Then it will be a bit boring again. After that, you know, something else will be cool and who knows what that will be.

RJ feeling just a little bit gansta: Bird skull necklace, hoodie, and random pair of sunglasses that he found.

(The kids have been making toys and figurines out of polycaprolactone, a non-toxic plastic that is malleable in hot water… While LR has been rapidly expanding her collection of bouncy balls and tiny dinner sets, RJ invented a new superhero… He has wings. He has a unicorn horn. He is simultaneously awesome, majestic, and devastating, and has an unparallelled ability to smell out truffles. He is… Unipig. )

RJ: Unipig soars through the air ready to fight evil!

Oh no! His ultimate enemy Doctor Zhu Zhu, an evil mutant mosquito, is attacking! He flys out of the darkness of hell to battle Unipig.

Luckily Unipig has his amazing watering trough of justice, the only weakness of evil mutant mosquitoes and Doctor Zhu Zhu drowns… Arrrgghghglurglurgblurblurrbglurrrghhh. (dramatic drowning noises).

RJ: … Most people don’t know this, but Unipig is allergic to cheese. No salty southern cheeseburgers for him. They make him throw up.

Unipig (a winged, unicorn-horned pig) takes a short break from fighting evil for a quick drink from the water trough.

Update: Polycaprolactone plastic is pretty amazing stuff and it isn’t just for the kids. We got one of the big containers from Plastimake. There are lots more ideas on how to use it at their website. Highly recommended!!!

(Discussing a school council meeting at our house…)

LR: My teacher will need to bring her kids along, because she’s divorced and she doesn’t have a husband to watch them.

RJ: What!? No husband? Then how did her kids get fertilized?

LR: She used to have a husband, but they got divorced.

RJ: What happened? Did she kill him?

LR: No, RJ! They got divorced so she wouldn’t kill him!

(At the end of a long day)

Dad: You look worn out. Long day?

Mom: Yeah. Exhausted.

RJ: Poor Mum. She always works so hard.

Mom: I need a job where I’m not at a computer all day. It’s soul destroying.

RJ: (suddenly REALLY interested / concerned) Cell destroying!!? How does that work? Do they get exploded?

(Leaving the kids’ for a sleep over at Auntie Jess’ place…)

Mom: RJ, be good. And remember your manners please.

RJ: Sure thing! I’m always good.

Mom: Uh huh. And LR, for goodness sake make Auntie Jess WANT to have children one day!

LR: Cute and cuddly, Mum! Cute and cuddly!

(After rearranging some furniture)

Mom: So what do you think of your new desk, RJ?

RJ: It’s great! I just had to add a few skulls to it and now it’s perfect.

Let's get down to business!

(RJ wanders past, arms full of ‘stuff’)

Dad: Umm… RJ, doesn’t that all belong outside?

RJ: Oh yeah, Dad. I’m just moving it in here for a couple of minutes.

I’m sensible, you know! A man with his own brain.

(High velocity RJ tears past the kitchen, then suddenly stops with a concerned look on his face.)

RJ: Dad! I have a question and it’s really important!

Dad: Okay. What is it?

RJ: Can warts grow in your mouth?

Dad: Ummm… Maybe, but I really don’t think so. There are other kind of bumps and things that you can get, but probably not warts.

RJ: Oh. Okay. Well I have a lump and it just keeps getting bigger.

Dad: (concerned) Well perhaps we’ll take a loo-..

RJ: (sticking finger in mouth) Issssss riiigh baaa heeeeeaaa and-. HEY! IT’S A TOOTH! THANKS DAD!

(RJ resumes his trajectory and zooms out of the room.)

(moments after finishing breakfast)

LR: Wait! Dad! Don’t clean up yet! This is important!

(RJ and LR turn away for a moment, then turn back… with spoons on their noses.)

LR & RJ: (in unison) It’s SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Brilliant!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Amazing!

RJ: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Terrific!

LR: SCIENCE!!!

Dad: Stupdendous!

RJ: Now hand over your knickers!!!!

And a moment later, it was off to the lab for some more experiments.