Dec 30 2010

For sale: 4yo m littr traind in good cond – cheap

(RJ is about to head inside, after a play in the front yard)

Mum: No sticks in the house, RJ.

RJ: It’s not a stick, Mum.

Mum: Yes it is. You know the rule.

RJ: No, it’s a piece of bamboo… So, this is just a piece of grass.

(from Wikipedia)

Bamboo forest in Kyoto, Japan

Bamboo About this sound listen (help·info) is a group of perennial evergreens in the true grass family Poaceae, subfamily Bambusoideae, tribe Bambuseae. Giant bamboos are the largest members of the grass family.


Dec 23 2010

Operation: Buzzkill

Friend: I have a birthmark right here on my side. That means I’m a princess.

LR: No. That means you have extra melanin in that spot.

no more fun


Dec 22 2010

Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, mushroom, MUSHROOM!

(while getting ready for the day)

RJ: I know what to do if zombies come… I’ve got a poison mushroom and when they eat it, then they’ll really be dead.

Dad: But RJ, there’s a problem. Zombies don’t eat mushrooms, they eat…

RJ: BRAAAAAAIINNNZZZZ

Dad: Yeah. So there’s the problem.

RJ: Not a problem… I’ll just put some brains inside the mushroom so that they want to eat it.

Dad: That’ll work, except for one thing. Where are you going to get the brains from?

RJ: Another zombie!

Dad: Isn’t that dangerous?

RJ: Sure, but I can use rope. If I throw it like a lasso, and tie him up, then I get its brains out safely!

Dad: Just watch out for that zombie blood.

RJ: Yes, I will have to be very careful. After that, I will put some traps by the front door… Actually, a lot of traps.

Dad: What kind of traps work on zombies?

RJ: I will have a glue shooter first, so they get stuck and can’t move very fast, then a boomerang shooting gun and a light saber shooting gun. That will get rid of all of them.

Dad: And after that? What will you do with the huge pile of dead zombies in the doorway. That’s going to be a BIG problem.

RJ: That’s easy! I’ll just put them in the garden afterwards. Dead zombies are very good for plants.

Night of the Living Bread


Dec 21 2010

Dugong, gong, gone…

(looking at animal pictures on the computer)

Dad: Do you have any guesses what animal that mouth is from?

RJ: Some kind of weird seal or something?

Dad: Close. It’s a manatee. They eat seaweed all day long. They’re a bit like a dugong, but they live in North America.

RJ: (alarmed) A dugong!  Whoah! THAT IS SOOOO DANGEROUS!

Dad: What do you mean?

RJ: Apparently, they are very dangerous! They have poisonous venom in quite large fangs. They are like snakes, but much… more… deadly…

RJ: NEVER EVER APPROACH A DUGONG.

Dugong


Dec 20 2010

Get Guinea Pig Transporter today and change your life forever!

Hi, I’m a shouty man and I’m here to tell you about new Guinea Pig Transporter, the incredible pet mobility revolution!

Is your guinea pig depressed and alone?

Stuck at work and need someone to get your special friend to dance lessons?

Tired of being ambushed by pirates and bad guys when taking your guinea pig to school?

Then new Guinea Pig Transporter is for you!

Get your Guinea Pig Transporter, TODAY!

Get your Guinea Pig Transporter, TODAY!

With spacious room for one guinea pig in its luxurious interior, your companion will travel in style. You can put your mind at ease knowing that your guinea pig is protected by the latest in disintegration blaster cannon technology.

(cut to scene where two yelling children are chasing a toy guinea pig across a schoolyard)
(voiceover) Those school bullies wont be a problem any more…
(bullies look to camera, appear surprised, and are vaporised by a blinding flash of high intensity ionizing radiation)

Call now and we’ll include these two highly trained clone troopers at no extra charge!

The days of awkwardly walking or carrying your guinea pig are over.

Get new Guinea Pig Transporter today, and join the pet mobility revolution!

Based on the design and a conversation with RJ about his latest lego construction. H/T to Horrible Histories and the original Shouty Man.

Dec 17 2010

Hey Baby, you’re looking good!

Our Auntie Robin, Uncle Jay and Cousin Vi. came over from the States for a holiday for a couple of weeks. We’ll post a bit more about what’s been going another time. Here’s something special for those people back home who are used to seeing her a lot more often: cute pictures of Baby Vi.

'Sup dawg? Chillaxxxxing at the beach with her homies...

'Sup dawg? Chillaxxxxing at the beach with her homies...

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Dec 16 2010

Goodbye Prawny, Our Friendship Blazed Like a Fire

On the weekend, we took the kids fishing on the beach. The best bait for this area is frozen prawns (similar to shrimp). After throwing a couple of lines in the water, and getting no immediate response from the fish, the kids lost interest. It was time to start building sand castles.

A few minutes later, RJ wandered back over and asked if he could have a prawn to play with for a little while. Unaware of the commitment involved, I agreed.

For the next thirty minutes, that dead crustacean must have been the happiest in the world. He had castles built for him. He was carefully washed in the waves lapping against the shore. He was taken for a splash and boogie boarding in the waves. A bathtub was dug in the sand for him, so that he could relax safely without the risk of being washed away.

No expired decapod crustacean, belonging to the sub-order Dendrobranchiata, has ever been treated so well.

When the time came to pack up and leave the beach, I broke the bad news to RJ.

Dad: RJ. It’s time to go. Prawny can’t come with us.

RJ: But he’s my friend! We have to bring him!

LR: He’s a dead prawn, RJ.

Dad: I’m sorry mate, but he’s a prawn and we’re people… and prawns belong in the ocean, not in a house.

RJ: (pleading) I’ll take really good care of him.

LR: He’s stinky, RJ. He’s gross.

Dad: It’s time to set him free. Let him go in the ocean, where a lovely stingray or other bottom feeder will scoop him up in his mouth and take him for a ride. He’ll be happier there.

(LR giggles)

RJ: (turning on his sister) You’re not allowed to be mean to him! Don’t laugh!

RJ: (sighing) Okay… (walks down to the ocean and gently releases Prawny) Goodbye Prawny!!!

We returned home and RJ was uncharacteristically quiet. After walking through the door, his eyes brimming with tears, RJ told mum about his friend and everything that had happened.

To her credit, she managed to keep a straight face.

“I loved him. Even though he was smelly and dead, I still loved him.”
RJ, age 4


Dec 15 2010

Yes, RJ… For once, we agree.

(RJ is sitting next to his 5 month old cousin at the dinner table)

RJ: (holds up a grape) Now this. This is an olive. It’s delicious.

Vi: (flaps arms, yells)

RJ: And these are veggies. They are very bad for you.

Vi: (shrieks of joy)

RJ: Lollies are great though. Definitely eat lollies.

Vi: (loving the attention)

RJ: … and you can always eat rubbish.

RJ: (turns to everyone else at the table) I’m the worst teacher ever!

You have a ways to go yet


Dec 14 2010

The kids must be crazy

(while getting ready for bed)

RJ: It’s a different kind of click with your mouth. Like this.

Dad & LR: (making clucking noises) Like this?

RJ: No. Like this… See?

Dad & LR: Ohh! Got it!

RJ: Now we can make up our secret click language!

LR: And mum wont understand it!

Dad: Great idea! What words do we need?

RJ: Four clicks means ‘Yes!’

LR: Click-click-click-click! And three clicks means ‘No!’

RJ: Click-click-click-click! And sixty-five clicks means ‘Swordfish!’

LR: Good one!

RJ: And one thousand clicks… means… ‘WHALE!’

Beluga Babe


Dec 10 2010

Melbourne and the Cousins, 2010: Part 2

While in Melbourne, the kids had their first adventures ice-skating. They both did really well, obviously picking up some skills from their incredibly graceful mother. We also went to the Melbourne version of SciTech… Science Works! Some of the exhibits were strangely familiar. Finally, just before we left, Mi. had a piano concert and invited us along. Well done Mi.!

RJ had a penguin buddy to help him get around the ice. With an extra person pushing, that thing got going really fast.

RJ had a penguin buddy to help him get around the ice. With an extra person pushing, that thing got going really fast.

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